Best Efforts

Sometimes, I'm tempted to think that I have more control than I actually do.  The reality is, there's very little I can control.  And even the very little that I think I can control is nothing but an illusion anyways.

Work fools me sometimes.  It lets me think that I can control certain outcomes.  That if I put in my best effort, things will work out in the way that I want them to.  But I've been in projects where my blunders didn't affect the overall success of the entire transaction and projects where I've done everything right, and things still don't work out. 

So I have to remind myself sometimes that, in the end, I need to be working for the glory of God.  That my work is for the advancement of the Kingdom, first and foremost.  In the moments where I hold on to that truth, there is no room for anxiety.  There is no more room for anxiety because Christ reigns supreme and powerfully over my work, over my life, over all creation.  Existence continues only because Christ wills it.  And His will is done - on earth as it is in heaven.  Always.        

For in him all things were created: things in heaven and on earth, visible and invisible, whether thrones or powers or rulers or authorities; all things have been created through him and for him.  Colossians 1:16.

Thank You for helping me surrender.  More and more.  Each and every day.

Asking Christians Questions

This may come as a shock to a lot of people, but Christians are really really messed-up people.  Christians are the people who are so incredibly messed up that they realize that they need a savior - that they can't save themselves and therefore need God to step in.  Christians aren't perfect.  They are far far far from perfect.  I, myself, am a great example of a messed-up person.  I know I'm screwed up.  I know how easily I'm tempted by sin. 

So please don't be too surprised when Christians say things that you may not agree with.  Do I wish they could have spread their message in a more nuanced, more loving, more perfect way? Absolutely.  But discourse is not discourse without disagreement.  And strongly held opinions are strongly held opinions! 

God is love.  Even when His own children don't get it quite right.  And we are all sinners.

Unexpected Gifts

I don't have the best relationship with my landlady here in China.  In fact, her son all but accused me of causing her to have a minor stroke...

This week I was reminded of the sensitivities required in effective, empathetic communication.  I (probably through my upbringing and my own personality) tend to skew very much towards confrontational communication - sometimes to my (and the other person's) detriment.  But there is grace.  Grace upon Grace.  Grace sufficient to repair relationships strained by my own foolishness.  Grace sufficient to strengthen relationships weakened by my own laziness.

Through the grace of God, I was able to renew my lease this past October.  And yesterday, through the grace of God, my landlady agreed to replace my couches.

'Tis so sweet to trust in Jesus.

Thanksgiving

I started this blog because I wanted to remind myself to be grateful and thankful for God.  And I think that God has made it easier for me to be more grateful and thankful through this blog - to the point where I don't need to post as much to remind me to be grateful and thankful.  So I guess the dwindling number of posts is a good thing (for me, but perhaps not for you, my readers). 

Anyways.  It's Thanksgiving.  I am so very very thankful for God.  And for you, for taking the time to read my musings.

Thank you: "The grace of the Lord Jesus Christ and the love of God and the fellowship of the Holy Spirit be with you all." - 2 Corinthians 13:14.

Thank You: "Now to Him who is able to keep you from stumbling and to present you blameless before the presence of His glory with great joy, to the only God, our Savior, through Jesus Christ our Lord, be glory, majesty, dominion, and authority, before all time and now and forever.  Amen."  - Jude 1:25

Happy Thanksgiving!

Thanksgiving

It's that time of the year again!  Thanksgiving!  Christmas!  New Years!

It's always around this time that God asks me to make a choice - to either continue being depressed, or to focus on Him and His joy.  Around October, I start getting a bit down - the weather is turning cold, the days are getting shorter, and work usually ramps up (trying to finish things before the end of the year).  Thank God there are so many amazing holidays (well, American holidays anyways) during this time period.  The holidays remind me that He's my rock, my glory, the lifter of my hands.

Desiring God

"Christian Hedonism is much aware that every day with Jesus is not "sweeter than the day before."  Some days with Jesus our disposition is sour.  Some days with Jesus, we are so sad we feel our heart will break open.  Some days with Jesus, we are so depressed and discouraged that between the garage and the house we just want to sit down on the grass and cry... Normal Christian life is a repeated process of restoration and renewal. Our joy is not static. It fluctuates with real life. It is vulnerable to Satan's attacks." - Desiring God by John Piper

Change that sentence to "between the apartment door and the elevator door, we just want to lay down on the floor and cry" and that pretty much sums up the last few days. 

"For He has not despised or abhorred the affliction of the afflicted, and He has not hidden His face from him, but has heard, when he cried to Him." - Psalms 22:24

Time to fight back - with the only weapon I have - the Word of God.

Contacts

I have a love-hate relationship with contacts.  I hate wearing contacts and I love to hate wearing contacts. 

But every. single. optometrist. I've gone to has recommended that I wear contacts. 

Something's gotta give.  And it's usually my resolve to wear contacts.  Again.

Back in Shanghai

There's a large degree of uncertainty in certain key areas of my life at the moment.  As I see it, my choices are to:

1. Try to control the circumstances
2. Surrender it all to God

Since I really can't do option 1, I'm going with option 2.  I sincerely hope and pray that through this episode of my walk with Jesus, He'll continue to teach me how to choose option 2 out of a joyful and confident heart rather than through an unnecessary and painful process of elimination.

Thank You for continuing to work with me.

Speaking

I fall into the same traps over and over again - opening my mouth when I know better than to do so.  God has been working with me to be a more loving speaker of truth.  I guess I still have quite a walk to go through.

Maintaining a breakthrough is sometimes harder than getting the breakthrough. 

In other news, however, I love Texas.  I love how my family has carved out a small slice of the "American Dream" for itself through the grace and provision of God.  I love how things make sense here.  I love how I don't have to haggle.  I love how everything makes sense (to me anyways). 

Texas on my Mind

I go back to Texas in two days - to long drives between cities, to blue skies, to southern hospitality, to steak, to Shiner Bock, to Maya and Nena, to Tex-mex...

But I think what I will enjoy the most is the sleep.  I sometimes can't believe how well I sleep when I'm back in Texas.  There's just something about not sleeping in a house all by myself.  And it's not the same with a roommate - it's just not.  It needs to be family. 

In two days, I'll feel that same familiar sense of guilt I inevitably get whenever I see my family after an extended period of time abroad.  I know I have my own life to live, and my family has always been supportive of my decisions, but that guilt of not being around with them and for them still remains.  And I think that the guilt I feel is not altogether a terrible thing - it reminds me that I still care for them, that I still love them and want to be with them.  I think that it would be a terrible thing if I ever lost that feeling.  At the same time, I know I can't live in that guilt, or else I would be living my life for my family and not for God.

Two days and a couple of short flights away from home.  I can't wait.

A Wedge

The Church is a wedge.  It's a spark.

Last Friday, I attended a Hillsong concert in the middle of Shanghai, China.   Pause and reflect on that for just a second - a concert for an Assemblies of God Pentecostal church worship band in the largest, most culturally influential city in the world's largest communist nation. 

And it wasn't just ex-pats attending the concert. It was a beautiful blend of locals and ex-pats gathering to praise the King of Kings in spirit and in truth.

I am incredibly privileged to be in the midst of revival, to be in the front lines and witnessing the beginnings of Kingdom culture here in China - Holy Spirit cannot and will not be denied.

The wedge will drive deeper.  And the spark will ignite hearts.  I can't wait.  Come, Lord Jesus!

Learning

God never stops teaching.  He taught me about courage through a two year old girl.  Read her story here. 

There are no goodbyes in the Kingdom of God.  Praise You Lord Jesus for the cross. 

Isaiah 2:22

"Stop regarding man in whose nostrils is breath, for of what account is he?" - Isaiah 2:22

God in my living,
There in my breathing,
God in waking,
God in my sleeping...

Be my everything.

Protecting Inheritance

The enemy is a roaring lion, looking for someone to devour.  Resist him.

So blessed these last few days by the Byrne family through the Single Life Workshop and their inner healing workshops.

It's time to maintain the breakthroughs.  Time to fight to protect my inheritance in Christ. 

Thank You for peace, love, joy

Generational Curses

I remember hearing about "breaking generational curses" at Father's Heart in Singapore.  It wasn't part of the Father's Heart ministry specifically, but there was a Singaporean lady attendant that ran a ministry to break generational curses.

Frankly, at that time, the entire idea of a "generational curse" greatly offended me.  Who was anyone to tell me that I was "cursed" because of something my ancestors did or didn't do.  Why should I have to reap what they sowed?  I was incredibly upset at the entire idea.

Then, as He invariably does, God shined a spotlight on certain misconceptions and mistaken assumptions that I previously held.  I now know that they are real and that they exist, even in my own life.  But being afflicted with a generational curse is not an inescapable sentence nor the final word in any one's life - we are always more than conquerors through Christ who loves us.

Thank You for loving me.

Brokenness

My friend used to say to tell me all the time that "hurt people hurt people."

Rationally, I know that Christians are just as, if not more, messed up, broken, and hurt than non-Christians.  On top of that, I know that I am not without my own sins, brokenness, and (glaring) flaws.  I guess that's why God calls us to be perfect, as He is perfect - so that we can be the model people that other, non-believers, would want to be like.  So that we can break the cycle of "hurt people hurt people."

But perfection doesn't come from effort - it never could.  If it could, God Himself would not have had to die on a cross.  In this season of my life, I feel like God is asking me to be (even more) less judgmental.  I feel like He is leading me to have eyes of faith to see others as He sees them.  To lead me to see others as He sees me. 

There is so much wrong in this world, but thankfully we are not without hope.  He is here with me/us.  And He wants me/you to partner with Him to change the world for His Kingdom. 

I pray that God will give me/us enough faith to do that which we cannot, but He can, do.

Knowing vs. Not Knowing

Here's how much I don't know - I don't even know what I don't know.

But there is one thing I do know - I know that God is good. 

In my darkest moments, it's always God who finds me at the end of my rope.

A Little Girl

A little girl went home to be with God yesterday.

The world is a dimmer place without her.  Please pray.

but Jesus said, “Let the little children come to me and do not hinder them, for to such belongs the kingdom of heaven.” - Matthew 19:14 (ESV)

Prayer

Prayer is indeed the greatest weapon we have in any struggle. 

Being in a conversation with the Almighty is never a waste of time.

"Rejoice always, pray without ceasing, give thanks in all circumstances; for this is the will of God in Christ Jesus for you." - 1 Thessalonians 5:16-18.

The end of summer

I walked out of the office at my usual time last night and for the first time this summer, the sky was dark.  The days are getting shorter!  Winter is coming!

It's been a very eventful couple of months.  I am now a homeowner, in a committed relationship, and officially a mid-level associate.

From glory to glory, with my savior leading the way.

US Consulate in Shanghai

I went to the US consulate in Shanghai for the second time in my life.  The first time was to add some visa pages in my passport, and today was to obtain some notary services for some documents I am signing. 

While I waited for the notary today, my mind wondered back to the first time I was at the US consulate.  My mind may have been playing tricks on me, but I believe that that was the first time I met Janie Gong - I think Alan and Janie were there at the US consulate to get Janie's US passport.  As I reminisced, the memories of the past washed over me and I felt an immense sense of nostalgia - nostalgia for simpler, happier times. 

I pray that I'll see Alan and Janie again soon - to see them both in good health and spirits, resting in the provision and blessing of God.  Longing for the past is not very productive, but I think hoping in God for a better future is a worthwhile pursuit.

"Now faith is the assurance of things hoped for, the conviction of things not seen." - Hebrews 11:1

Responsibility

I watched Roman Holiday last night - the classic Audrey Hepburn/Gregor Peck film.   

In the film, Anna, the princess, feels trapped by the sense of duty she owes to her country, her family, her people, etc... so she decides to run away from her country's embassy in Rome... only to return to her out of the same sense of duty. 

The whole film got me thinking about duty and responsibility - particularly on whether or not a person must fulfill their duties or whether a person can reject them.  And I don't know... I know I would never want to reject certain duties placed on me, but when it comes to others, I'm not so sure.  And sometimes different duties actually conflict! 

I know I owe my allegiance to the Highest King (LoTR reference!), so my life should only be committed to that one duty and responsibility.  Maybe God is teaching me what it means to be a slave to righteousness.  And maybe that's not such a bad thing.

But man, if I am to be honest, I feel like I really do want to rebel... to rebel only for rebellion's sake.  I need grace to obey.  More grace.

Grace Abudant.

Your Grace is Enough - Cover by Jenn Johnson of Bethel Church

Your grace is enough, more than I need,
at Your word, I will believe.
I wait for You, draw near again.
Let Your spirit make me new.

And I will fall at Your feet,
I will fall at Your feet.
And I will worship You here.

Your presence in me, Jesus light the way,
by the power of Your word.
I am restored, I am redeemed,
by Your spirit I am free.

And I will fall at Your feet,
I will fall at Your feet.
And I will worship You here.

Freely You gave it all for us
Surrendered Your life upon that cross
Great is Your love, poured out for all,
this is our God.

Lifted on high from death to life,
forever our God is glorified.
Servant and King, rescued the world,
this is our God.
--

In times when I feel uncertainty, doubt, confusion, fear, or anger, God reminds me that He is never cowed or overwhelmed by the circumstances.  He is always in control.

So I worship.  Because there is nothing more important than loving Him.

Keys

I am forever misplacing things.  I think I lost my house keys. 

Surprisingly, I'm not that annoyed by this event.  Normally, I'd be completely annoyed out of my mind, but today's a special day.  Today has been set aside to fight the forces of darkness, and a lost set of house keys will not deter me from today's purpose. 

So join me in praying for the Gongs.  Join me in praying against cancer.  Join me in praying against disease, injustice, and evil.  Join in me praying against sin.   

Thank You for hearing us. 

Joy

And I can't understand,
And I can't pretend,
that this will be alright in the end...

Joy - Page CXVII

Mercy, Lord Jesus. 

Come, Lord Jesus, come.

Please pray for the Gongs.

Toxic Country

This is what I deal with.

Don't ever take blue skies for granted.

Wonderful

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=eMQTdXAdC7Q

"God is wonderful.  He is full of wonder." - Bill Johnson.
 
Thank You for setting a fire down in my soul.

Mortgage

As some of you may know, I'm trying to purchase a house in my home state of Texas.  The process has been excruciatingly slow, confusing, and frustrating.  This is largely due to the fact that I'm currently working in Shanghai, so the time difference between Texas and China is not helping matters.  However, in my own work, I routinely collaborate with people in different time zones, and honestly I have not had as much difficulty in those circumstances when compared to my own purchase of a home.

This experience has really highlighted to me the importance of communication and excellence.  God always meets us where we are, and I think, similarly, people in the service industry should meet their clients where they are.  If the client is relatively inexperienced (and especially if they admit their inexperience at the start of the work relationship), then I think it is the duty of an employee to "hand-hold" the client. 

Proverbs 11:14 says "Where there is no guidance, a people falls, but in an abundance of counselors there is safety."  It's a good reminder of the duty (not only professionally but also to God) that I have to communicate effectively with my clients and commit myself to excellence in my work.  In the end, "The horse is made ready for the day of battle, but the victory belongs to the Lord." Proverbs 21:31.

Thank You for guiding me.

Hiatus

It's been a hectic few days.  God has blessed our small team in Shanghai with a new project which has been taking up a bit of my time.

These past few busy days, He has been showing me how much He cares about my work - how He cares even more than me.  How He is gracious to empower me to do that which I am not qualified to do.  My friend often talks about how God equips the called and not the other way around.  It has been a good reminder that, indeed, my qualification has and always will be Him.  This mix of humility and confidence is pretty incredible. 

Thank You for empowering.

Lukewarm

"So, because you are lukewarm, and neither hot nor cold, I will spit you out of my mouth." - Revelation 3:16 (ESV)

God continues to teach me that I'm at my best only when I am at my least and surrendered to His will.  I know my pride constantly wants to rebel against this pattern of truth - it hates the idea of not being in control.  And it's so easy for my pride to trick my brain into thinking that I have surrendered and entrusted to Jesus.  But my heart knows better.  And God knows better.

So He surrounds me with daily reminders, through circumstances, through people, through whatever, to keep me grounded on His truth - to remind me of the necessity to surrender to Him. 

So I'll take up my cross daily, and burn for Him.  I know He's worth the commitment.  I know the freedom He gives is the only true freedom.  I know He loves me.  And you.

Thank You for the daily reminders.

Blue!

In celebration of the past few days of blue blue skies in Shanghai.  I present to you one of the greatest Anime songs ever.

Blue - Mai Yamane (from Cowboy Bebop)

Thank You for the lovely days.

Fear

"There is no fear in love, but perfect love casts out fear.  For fear has to do with punishment, and whoever fears has not been perfected in love."  1 John 4:18

For Christians, it is absolutely irrational to fear.  Yet, I am a most irrational person sometimes.

Pray for my country - for God to heal the deep divisions within America.  Prayer is the most powerful weapon against injustice, oppression, fear, hatred, indifference, evil, etc... 

Debt

"You will either pay for all of your sins or you will pay for none of them." - Don Johnson.

Mystery

Set a guard, O LORD, over my mouth; keep watch over the door of my lips!
Do not let my heart incline to any evil, to busy myself with wicked deeds in company with men who work iniquity, and let me not eat of their delicacies!
Let a righteous man strike me - it is a kindness; let him rebuke me; it is oil for my head; let my head not refuse it.

Psalm 141:3-5.

It is a difficult thing to swallow pride and accept correction.  It is an even more difficult thing to ask to be corrected and to be humbled.

"In the beginning, God created the heavens and the earth.  There was no preexisting material; God created from nothing, by fiat.  He decided that things should exist and called them into being with His word.  God gave the creation an existence dependent on His own existence yet distinct from it.  In the work of creation, Father, Son, and Holy Spirit acted together.  The act of creation is a mystery to us; there is more in it than we can understand.  We cannot create by a mere act of the will, and we do not know how God could.  To say that He created "out of nothing" is to confess the mystery, not explain it.  In particular, we cannot conceive how a dependent existence can be distinct, or how angels and people in their dependent existence can make free decisions and be morally accountable to their Maker.  Yet Scripture everywhere teaches us this truth." - The Reformation Study Bible, edited by R.C. Sproul

So let everything that has breath praise the LORD.

On Self-Deprecation

I have a very self-deprecating sense of humor, and I'm sure I've touched on this topic in previous posts, but last night at dinner, a friend made a very astute observation about me that got me thinking about this topic again.

I've always known that part of the reason why I do put myself down so much and so publicly is from an effort to get people to affirm me.  I don't know if my efforts are conscious or subconscious, but the fact remains that I do have a pretty low self-esteem.

And my low self-esteem is not fair to the people that love me.  It's definitely not fair to the God who calls me His beloved son.  I know I can't do anything to truly earn God's (or for that matter my parents', my family's and my friends' ) love, but I do know that He (and they) sees true goodness in me - because of Christs' blood and the Holy Spirit within me, so I have to be more mindful of my tendency to put myself down going forward.  It's a lesson that God taught me a long time ago already, but I seem to have forgotten it.

Thank You for the Spirit of remembrance.

Fireworks, Hotdogs, and Freedom!

Happy 4th y'all!  All the way from Shanghai!

Celebrate the blessings that God has given to our nation! 

God bless you.  And God bless America!

Greed

NYTimes on China's shadow banking - here.  Sacrificing real growth and risking another worldwide financial crisis, 3% annually at a time. 

Greed is rampant everywhere.  I thought I saw the full terrible face of greed when I visited NYC for the first time.  Then I visited Hong Kong.  And then I visited China.

"For where your treasure is, there your heart will be also." - Matthew 6:21.

I must confess that I still struggle constantly with greed.  Yet, I can honestly say that greed is not as big of a temptation for me as it was in the past, but the fact remains that it is still very much a lurking temptation.  And all I can do in the face of such temptation is to bring it to the cross and give it to my savior - so that He would remind me that my treasure is not here on this earth and so that He would remind me that He has never forsaken me (or my family), financially or otherwise.  He alone can save me from myself.

"And I am sure of this, that He who began a good work in [me] will bring it to completion at the day of Jesus Christ." - Philippians 1:6

Amen. Come, Lord Jesus!

Authenticity vs. Raw

I'm not quite sure of what to think of this article.  It's an article that tries to describe the ideology of authenticity and points out the problems of adhering to such an ideology.  If my reading of the article is correct, I think the entire article may be summed up quite simply by saying: "reliance on self is unsustainable."  But I think most people already know that - and if they don't, then they are likely deluding themselves.  All the article may be trying to is help people to see their own denial. 

Regardless, the article did get me thinking about the difference between an ideology of authenticity and my previous post on raw Christians.  And I think, the difference between a person practicing an ideology of authenticity and a raw Christian is the focus of such person's thoughts and meditation.  In authenticity, a person idolizes his or her own well-being has been idolized - to the point that when the self is not well, everything falls apart.  Everything revolves around "me."  But a Christian's focus is on the perfect, holy God.  A God that never fails and who is always good.  Those are facts.  And a Christian's (and my own) acceptance of those facts requires faith.

A few years ago in law school, I made the choice to stop forcing the world to revolve around me and my well-being and to trust in God.  I have not turned back (although I will admit that, occasionally, I do glance back and am tempted to make it all about me again).  But I know I can't turn back anymore because in law school, God showed me the truth - the truth that I suck.  That I am not and will never be good enough to sustain my own desires and dreams.  That I, by myself, am not and will never be able to ensure my own well being here on this earth, let alone in eternity. 

And I still suck.  That hasn't changed.  What has changed is that I have accepted that God loves me despite my suckiness.  God's love for me is also a fact and my own acceptance of that fact also took faith (and still takes daily faith).  But that acceptance has opened my heart and now God lives in me - and has made me a new person.  So now, when I am not well, I can rely both on God's perfect comfort and on God's perfect deliverance - which is much better than relying on myself.

In the end, authenticity will get you nowhere if the authenticity is based on a lie - the lie that you are completely able, that you are god.  So don't take this seductive, easy (but ultimately destructive) path to passive nihilism.  Instead, take the humble, hard (but ultimately saving) path of bearing your cross daily for Him who loves you and died for you - by asking Him (daily) to give you the faith and courage to accept His gift of grace.  The hard path ends up being more... authentic; more... real.

Thank You for loving me.

Interesting Times

SCOTUS just decided two huge cases on gay rights involving California's Proposition 8 and DOMA.

I once asked my NYU law roommate what he thought about using the democratic system to legislate on moral issues.  In hindsight, I think that was a really naive question as that is something that every country and every government does on a daily basis.  I think; however, the more interesting question is where does morality come from?

My personal view is that it comes from God - He who made us in His image.  The tricky part about that view, especially in my own personal life, is accepting all of God and not just the small, discrete parts that I understand and/or agree with. 

Thank You for law.  And grace.

Worth

God said to Moses, "I AM WHO I AM." And he said, "Say this to the people of Israel, "I AM" has sent me to you." - Exodus 3:14

When Jesus said to them, "I AM (he)," they drew back and fell to the ground. - John 18:6

God's existence is not dependent on anyone or anything other than Himself.  No one else can say that.  That's why He alone is worthy of all praise.

"If we could see how much You're worth, Your power, Your might, Your endless love, then surely we will never cease to praise You." - Let Everything that has Breath

Comfort

Comfort and the familiar draw me away from God and into self-reliance and pride.

America is too comfortable for me.  In China, I have to rely on God on even the most basic of things - like clean air, clean water, safe food, etc...  These basic reminders of my necessity for the grace of God in my everyday life remind me that I must rely on His love and grace for my spiritual life as well.  

But in America, I get too comfortable.  Water from the tap is perfectly safe to drink, I never really have to worry about contaminated food, and the air I breathe doesn't hurt my lungs.  And if any of these problems ever arise, I think most Americans (including myself) would trust that the problems can be solved if enough money is thrown at them.  In short, the citizens of the wealthiest country in all of history do not appear to need to rely on God for their everyday life.

But I'm not comfortable in my comfort - I don't want to rely on myself.  I want to be dependent on His grace and provision in my everyday life and in my spiritual life.

Lord, I believe; help me in my unbelief.  

In the Light of His Glory and Grace

Turn your eyes upon Jesus;

Look full in His wonderful face;

And the things of earth will grow strangely dim;

In the light of His glory and grace.

Stubborn Pride

In the day of my trouble I seek the Lord; in the night my hand is stretched out without wearying; my soul refuses to be comforted. (Psalms 77:2 ESV)

Sometimes, in pride, my soul refuses to be comforted.  Sometimes, in self-pity, my soul refuses to be comforted.  Both instances dishonor the cross.

Thank you for being the greatest comfort of all.

Back in NYC!

After 3.5 years, I am finally back in NYC (albeit only for a short few days).  What an incredible city.  What an incredibly expensive city too...

I never quite felt at home in NYC - to me it always seemed too fast, too crowded, too busy.  Funnily though, I can say the exact same things about Shanghai, yet Shanghai does feel a bit more 'homey' to me.  Maybe it's because home is just people - people that you love and that love you back?  Or maybe it's because I've now spent more time in Shanghai than in NYC?  Either way, neither NYC or Shanghai can compare to Texas when it comes to 'home'.   

At the same time, it's helpful for me to remind myself that NYC, Shanghai, Texas, etc., are all just temporary homes - they elicit feelings of longing for "belonging" in me, but none of them can quite satisfy my true longing for a perfect home.

Thank You for welcoming me back home.

Raw

I love how uncompromising my Christian brothers and sisters are in their lives.  I especially love it when they stand uncompromising in the face of certain persecution and judgment.  Astonishingly thought, these are the same people that exhibit an incredible tenderness towards the world. 

To me, they're raw.  Raw in showing the world who they are.  Raw in exposing their hearts for the world to exploit.  Sheep in the midst of wolves, yet wise as serpents and innocent as doves. 

Raw in admitting that they don't have all the answers.  Raw in confessing what they do believe in.  Raw in rebuking.  Raw in encouraging.  Raw in celebrating.  Raw in mourning.

If you're blessed like I am to be surrounded by such people all the time, you can't help but be impressed by God's work in them.  Nor can you help but desire what they have that moves them to be so raw. 

Christians always attract people, because God in them is attractive.  That's why, to me, ministry is who you are. 

Thank You for Your bride.
 

Focus

Paul in 2 Corinthians 4-5 teaches us to focus on eternity.  To walk by faith, not by sight. 

Sometimes I hate Paul.  For being so damn right.  I know I sound petulant and whiny, but it is how I'm feeling at the moment.

"And from His fullness we have all received, grace upon grace." John 1:16.

Grace enough for Paul to walk by faith and not by sight.  Grace enough for me to focus on eternity.

Thank You for grace.  Even if I don't feel like focusing on it.

Difficult News

I don't know of any other way to face difficult circumstances other than to trust in Jesus Christ - without Him, there is no hope - no hope for any of us.  With Him, every tear will be wiped away.

My friends received some terrible, earth-shattering news last week.  On their website, they frankly discuss their fear, confusion, heart-brokenness and isolation in light of the circumstances they are now facing.  Yet, in light of tremendous, difficult uncertainty, they ask for God's intercession - they ask for God's healing hand.  They still hope on Him. 

These past few days have brought difficult circumstances in my own life as well.  Though the personal circumstances my friends and I each face cannot even begin to be compared (nor would I want to), yet one thing we both share is that we both trust in the same God.  And the character of the object of our shared faith makes all the difference. 

I pray, LORD, have mercy.  For Your Son's sake.

Living a Full Life

I turned 29 on Saturday.  I wasn't able to spend it with my blood family, but my brothers and sisters in Christ really made my birthday extremely special.

After some crazy celebrations, a sister asked me what was the point of having earthly desires if they hinder us from pursuing God's desires (my friends are all incredibly deep).  I thought about the question and tried to explore the motivation behind it.  For me, the question would perhaps arise out of the frustration of not having desires fulfilled or perhaps out of struggling with fulfilling desires in a sinful way.  In a way, I am ashamed that I never even thought to ask this question - I always assumed that my desires were God-given and therefore good.

But now that the question has been posed, I feel compelled to seek my own answer.  For me, I think the desires in my heart have always been placed there because I was created to worship God - my deepest longing has always been to be loved, and loved perfectly, and to love in return.  And perhaps, out of this deep core desire, stem the smaller everyday desires of my life.  I haven't yet quite worked out how the more base desires of my life (i.e. for comfort, for good food, etc...) can flow from my deep core desire.  Perhaps part of being loved perfectly and to love in return requires good food, comfortable settings, etc... I mean, the wedding supper of the Lamb is going to be pretty perfect - but is it perfect because God is going to be there with us or is it because of the rich food, large table, and amazing setting?  Maybe God's presence equals rich food and comfort.

God will reveal in His time.  In the meantime, I want to thank Him for continuing to help me fulfill a ton of my desires.  For helping me live a full life in Him and through Him.

Thank You for every good and perfect gift.

Wayward Bride

"Prone to wander, Lord I feel it; prone to leave the God I love."- Come Thou Fount of Every Blessing
--
"I have guarded them, and not one of them has been lost" - John 17:12

Thank You for guarding my wayward heart.

A New Song

And they sang a new song, saying,

"Worthy are You to take the scroll and to open its seals, for You were slain, and by Your blood You ransomed people for God from every tribe and language and people and nation, and You have made them a kingdom and priests to our God, and they shall reign on the earth."

Revelation 5:9-10 (ESV)

New songs are needed when the old songs we've sang to praise Him are no longer adequate.  When God reveals more of His glory and goodness, glory and goodness that one did not experience before, a new song is needed to match the revelation.

So sing a new song to Him.  For great is the Lord and He is worthy to be praised.

Thank You for creation.

Change My Heart Oh God

Old school worship song this past Sunday at SCF:  Change My Heart Oh God

"Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation.  The old has passed away; behold, the new has come." - 2 Corinthians 5:17 (ESV)

Thank You for my new heart.

Sunday Mornings

Lazy Sunday mornings are my favorite time of the week. 

I don't think I could ever go back to 9 or 10 am services.

Thank You for SCF!

Gray Skies

Psalms 51:1, 17 (ESV)

"Have mercy on me, Oh God, according to Your steadfast love; according to your abundant mercy blot out my transgressions . . . The sacrifices of God are a broken spirit; a broken and contrite heart, O God, you will not despise."

Some Psalms can be so very very depressing.  A quote from Psalms to match the sky outside.

Thank You for leading me through this transaction.  Thank You for Friday!

Overflow

When we arrive at eternity's shore, where death is just a memory and tears are no more
We'll enter in as the wedding bells ring, Your bride will come together and we'll sing "You're beautiful!" - "You're Beautiful"

God continues to show me glimpses of the wedding supper of the lamb that is to come in my current life.  And my cup runs over.

Thank You. For everything.

With vs. For

I just read an article that argues that humanity's biggest problems are not mortality and limitations but rather isolation.  The article is excellent and it is incredibly well-written.  It is long (very long), but if someone with as short of an attention span as I have is able to finish the entire thing, then I'm sure you can as well.

Rethinking Service

After reading the article, I was reminded of a couple of recent revelations that I've received.

1. In my peer counseling class, we are taught that we are there to empower the client - to walk the decision-making journey with the client until the client makes a choice (hopefully a wise and informed one).  We are not there to solve the client's problem. 

2. In my Communication post last month, I posted a link in the comments section for a video that points out the paradox of increasing isolation inf our high-tech world of connectedness. 

Read the article. 

Thank You for being with me forever.

Stress

Some say that stress brings out the best in them. 

Stress does not bring out the best in me.  I know this because the best in me is the fruit of the Spirit.  And when I'm stressed I don't see myself being very loving, joyful, peaceful, forbearing, kind, good, faithful, gentle or self-controlled.

You would think that in times when I need to rely on God the most, I would exhibit the fruit of the Spirit the most.  Just more proof (for me) that I am still stubborn in my pride and necessity to control.

Thank You for helping me in my unbelief. 

Mercy and Truth

My friend shared a revelation in my cell group the other day that really touched me.  I'll try to paraphrase it, but she really does a much better job of explaining it:

"God's mercy is new every day, but one can only seek and accept God's mercy by confessing the truth - that one has sinned and is therefore needing of mercy."

Without God's truth, mercy is not necessary or needed.  

Anchor

"You only have authority over the storm you can sleep in." - Bill Johnson

In Mark 4:35-41, Jesus sleeps in a boat during a storm, is woken up by the disciples, and then proceeds to rebuke the storm and command it to be still.  He also asks the disciples whether they still have no faith. 

I'm going through a storm right now.  A deal I'm working on is getting close to the finish line and the last minute changes and the crunch-time work are really messing with my peace.  I literally find myself losing sleep because of my work-related anxiety.  And then, when I do wake up, I find that I have to take some time to remember a few scriptures regarding God's promises just to be able to walk out that door - Jeremiah 29:11 is a favorite one.

In the past, as a way to make myself feel better, I would compare my problems with other peoples' and to convince myself that things really weren't so bad.  But that approach soon proved to be quite worthless.  It only made me feel worse that I felt bad when I should have felt good.  Instead, I've found that, for me, the one sure thing that works is to remind myself of who God really is - to anchor myself in His truth.

I hope to permanently break these chains of work-related anxiety soon.  I know He is working.  And I know He wants me to partner with Him on this particular chain-breaking mission.

Thank You for Your grace.        

Training and Qualification

"The Spirit of the Lord God is upon me,
because the Lord has anointed me
to bring good news to the poor;
he has sent me to bind up the brokenhearted,
to proclaim liberty to the captives,
and the opening of the prison to those who are bound;"

Isaiah 61:1 (ESV)

I think training is incredibly important - I couldn't do half of the things I am doing in my job if I was not properly trained. 

But I believe that qualification, true qualification, comes only from the Lord.  Although it is technically true that the training I received from law school and my law degree "qualifies" me to do my job, the fact of the matter is, I am constantly learning in my job.  No one person knows all the answers except for God.  And because God is in me, He qualifies me to do the work - perfectly according to His will.  When I relied on my own strength alone, I discovered very quickly how unqualified I was to do anything of real importance in this world (which, essentially, is synonymous with His will).

Isaiah, with the Spirit of the Lord GOD, is qualified to bring good news to the poor, to heal broken hearts, to proclaim liberty to the captives, and to free prisoners (all part of God's perfect, loving will).  This same Spirit of the Lord GOD is within me, and if Isaiah can, then I can, and you can.

Where the Spirit of the Lord is there is liberty.

Biggest Spiritual Struggle

What are you (am I) so upset about?

Pride in the form of self-pity and complaining.  Dang thing never leaves me alone.

Graduation

I graduated from my peer counseling class yesterday!

When I graduated from law school, I was elated at the thought that I would never have to take classes ever again.  I knew that I would continue learning, but I was looking forward to never having to sit down in a classroom setting again.  The past 13 weeks though, have revealed to me that learning in a classroom can be really enjoyable if the subject is interesting to me.

I have an engineering degree, a liberal arts degree, and a law degree.  Except for some specific classes, I really did not enjoy studying for any of those degrees.  I guess I just went through the motions.

But now, maybe, after all those years of searching, I am beginning to have a better idea of what it is that I enjoy doing and learning about. 

Thank You for Shanghai Eve Center!

Isaiah 25

6 On this mountain the Lord of hosts will make for all peoples
    a feast of rich food, a feast of well-aged wine,
    of rich food full of marrow, of aged wine well refined.
⁷ And he will swallow up on this mountain
    the covering that is cast over all peoples,
    the veil that is spread over all nations.
⁸     He will swallow up death forever;
and the Lord God will wipe away tears from all faces,
    and the reproach of his people he will take away from all the earth,
    for the Lord has spoken.
⁹ It will be said on that day,
    “Behold, this is our God; we have waited for him, that he might save us.
    This is the Lord; we have waited for him;
    let us be glad and rejoice in his salvation.”

Thank You for hope!

Humidity

Growing up in Houston, summers were always hot and humid.  As soon as it got unbearably hot, I knew that my summer break would inevitably arrive just around the corner.  I guess all those years have instilled a Pavlovian response in me.  Yesterday was incredibly hot and muggy and all I could think of was, "When is my summer break coming? When am I going to get to just lounge around, rest, and do nothing for 3 months?"

I miss my summer breaks.  I miss watching hours upon hours of useless television programming with my sister and my cousin.  I miss wasting my days and feeling no guilt or shame.

Summers are not the same now.  Some part of me is glad that I've matured enough to accept responsibility, including accepting the truth that the days I've been given are a gift to be stewarded.  But another part of me desperately wants to run away, go back to Houston, and live those carefree summer days all over again.  Yet in my heart, I know that even if I were able to go back to those days, they would not satisfy. 

The adversary always tells me the that the grass is greener on the other side.  The adversary tests me with thoughts about running away, and I actually start feeling sorry for myself.  But God is my strong tower, my shield, my deliverer, my anchor, my very present help in times of need.  I have made my covenant with Jesus and He has never and will never fail me.  He is the spring of living water that quenches my every thirst - He alone satisfies.

Thank You for knowing and providing for my every desire and need.     

Ecclesiastes 2

"I said in my heart, "Come now, I will test you with pleasure; enjoy yourself."  But behold, this also was vanity . . . Then I considered all that my hands had done and the toil I had expended in doing it, and behold, all was vanity and a striving after wind, and there was nothing to be gained under the sun." (Ecclesiastes 2: 1, 11 (ESV).

Meaninglessness ultimately comes not from being weary of pain but from being weary of pleasure. - Ravi Zacharias

I once talked to a non-believer friend of mine and flatly asked him what he thought the whole point of existence was.  His answer (as best as I could understand it) was that the whole point of existence was the journey of chasing after pleasure.  He readily admitted that each pleasure could only satisfy momentarily and that after the pleasure faded, he inevitably had to chase another, more intense, more powerful form of pleasure. 

After listening to him, I retorted with: "Then why don't you just kill yourself?!" 

Not the most wise, empathetic, or even appropriate answer, I know, but, once, very many years ago, I actually went down a similar train of thought as him, and all I could find at the end of that train of thought was meaninglessness.  What's the point of it all, if nothing, absolutely nothing, can ever fully satisfy my appetite for pleasure?  And if nothing can fully satisfy, then why am I still struggling to stay alive?

God didn't let me rest on those answers.  He showed me, gently and over a length of time, just how much I could be satisfied in Him.  He never gave up on me.

And now, He gives me the grace to say everything is beautiful.

Thank You for your Love. It changes everything.

 

Intimacy

What you and I want most in life is intimacy.

I see Your face, You're beautiful.

Thank You for loving me.

Works Righteousness

The concept of earning salvation always turned me off. 

I grew up trying my hardest (in everything), grew disillusioned with the diminishing returns of hard work and pretty soon gave up on fruitlessly chasing perfection.  Enter Min-Max!  If you don't know what Min-Max is, it's essentially searching for the most efficient use of resources (including time).

After accepting Jesus Christ, Min-Max has had to give way to grace in my life.  Grace is me never being able to earn the ultimate prize but still getting it because of Jesus' blood.  The acceptance of grace in faith allows me to give my all to God - without worrying about perfection since the ultimate prize is already mine.

Unfortunately, when it comes to work... I tend to slip back into old patterns of Min-Max.  The astute reader will, of course, ask: "Isn't work part of giving your all to God?"  And to him/her, I say: "You're right, following Jesus is a 24/7 thing, not compartmentalized or subdivided based on my preference."  I guess I need more passion for Jesus at work.

Thank You for interceding.  Even in my work.

 

Testimony

... For the testimony of Jesus is the spirit of prophecy. - Revelation 19:10

I testify that God is good -  exceedingly, unfathomably, incredibly, unwaveringly, infinitely, prodigally, Good!  I prayed to God and He listened.  He turned His face to shine upon me and filled me with His peace. 

I asked Him to allow me to come home to Shanghai in time to make my peer counseling class.  He knew how important this class is to me and He moved mountains and seas (and a loan document review meeting) to ensure that I would make my class. 

No longer do I call you servants, for the servant does not know what his master is doing; but I have called you friends, for all that I have heard from my Father I have made known to you. - John 15:15

Thank You for being my friend. 

Children

A friend of mine told me today that she's pregnant!  In the midst of my busy day in Hong Kong, this was the best news I received all day. 

During my Moganshan trip, my friend asked us whether we thought the world would be a better or worse place in 500 years.  I responded with: "Better."  But I was surprised by how many of my fellow brothers and sisters in Christ responded with: "Worse."

I want the world to be a better place.  I want the Kingdom of God to establish more and more of its presence on this earth as time passes by.  I think that's partially why I can't wait to have kids of my own.

Thank you for hope.

Slavery

"For freedom Christ has set us free; stand firm therefore, and do not submit again to a yoke of slavery."  Galatians 5:1 (ESV)

"But thanks be to God, that you who were once slaves of sin have become obedient from the heart to the standard of teaching to which you were committed, and, having been set free from sin, have become slaves of righteousness."  Romans 6:17-18 (ESV)

"Take my yoke upon you, and learn from me, for I am gentle and lowly in heart, and you will find rest for your souls.  For my yoke is easy, and my burden is light."  Matthew 11:30 (ESV)

I remember once hearing a sermon from pastor Tim Keller claiming that we are all slaves to something - be it our own pride, our own desires, our relationships, our material possessions, or our career...  And Paul seems to concur in that description - that before being set free by the blood of Christ, we were all slaves of sin.  What strikes me though is that, after accepting the grace of Jesus Christ, I actually go from being a slave of sin to the freedom of being a slave of righteousness.  It's difficult for me to grasp the concept of being free while at the same time being a slave of righteousness, but then I think about the cost of my freedom - the cost of God humbling Himself to come to earth to redeem me on the cross with His blood and life, and I gradually become more and more accustomed and accepting of my being a slave of righteousness. 

All I know is that I've never felt so free in my life - free to choose what God wants for me, free to love Him and to receive His love, with no guilt and fear.

My friend over at Hammer of Allegri likes to remind me that "heaven is a dictatorship" - a benevolent dictatorship with a deserving king, but a dictatorship nonetheless.

So who/what do you submit to? 

Thank You for the easy yoke and light burden. 

With Everything

In Revelations 2: 4 God charges the church of Ephesus on abandoning the love they had at first [for Jesus]. 

In our cell group, we are doing a study called "Crazy Love" by Francis Chan and I'm in charge of leading the word this week.  This week's lesson asks us to examine our love for God - a daunting prospect, to be sure, as I know I don't love God enough - not even close.  But I do know that there are brief moments in my life where I do love Him - where I do love Him with everything of me. 

I remember the first time I heard Hillsong United live - my law school buddy David invited me to go to their concert in Times Square.  And I can still remember the incredibly charged atmosphere as Hillsong United sang "With Everything" - especially that moment when the song broke down to a series of "whoas".  There's something amazing about joining hundreds of people repeating the same praise to God.  The lyrics sang by each person may be exactly the same, but I knew even then, that those "whoas" meant something different to each person singing it out.  And God knows.  He has always known each person's heart. 

"With Everything" is one of those songs that helps me remember the cost of following Jesus.  And at the same time it reminds me that the reward for following Jesus vastly outweighs the cost.  This song reminds me of my first love, encourages me to repent for abandoning Him, and moves me to love Him with everything of me - again. 

Check out the song - the whoa's come in at 4:24. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4J9jNneZtY4

Thank You for the cross.

Rain and Peer Counseling

It's the rainy season here in Shanghai.  Every year, a few weeks into spring, Shanghai will experience an extended period of rain (typically a week to two weeks of intermittent rain) which will usher in the heat and humidity.  Typically, after this rainy season, older homes will start smelling like mold and hung laundry will not dry completely - easily my least favorite time of the year. 

I'm not a huge fan of rain.  Rain gets me thinking - gets me to think too much.  But as I walked to work this morning in the rain, I found myself not being in an introspective, contemplative, or solemn mood but instead in a mood of praise.  I found myself enjoying the sound of raindrops hitting my umbrella, the image of small ripples formed on the ground as raindrops fell from the sky and merged themselves with puddles, the quiet serenity of the hum of falling rain, the eerie deserted streets, and the sight of birds frolicking and grooming on the wet grass.

Rain has a purpose.  Rain sustains life.  Isaiah 55:10 says:

¹⁰ For as the rain and the snow come down from heaven
and do not return there but water the earth,
making it bring forth and sprout,
giving seed to the sower and bread to the eater,

I can choose to rejoice in the rain or I can choose to focus on my annoying wet socks, wet shoes, and wet pant legs.  Either way, it doesn't change the fact that it is raining.
---
At the end of my peer counseling course last night, the instructor gave us a case study.  The client is a mother of a 15-year old son who stays up late each Friday night to play video games with his friends and as a consequence does not wake up on Saturdays until 3:00 pm.  The client, concerned about her son missing lunch, will bring lunch up to her son's room every Saturday and wake him up.  She is becoming increasingly upset about the entire arrangement.

As soon as our instructor finished giving us this case study, all the students (including myself) immediately began to give helpful suggestions to the mother on to how to set proper curfews and house rules.  Our instructor listened attentively for about ten minutes then asked a very simple question: "Why is it that no one has asked the client - What does this (your son's late waking) have to do with you?"  We had missed the point of the exercise completely.

The main purpose of counseling is to empower the client - to help them to make decisions and take responsibilities for their decisions.  If the client was already certain that she wanted her son to follow a strict curfew, then she would have done so already and would not have come to the peer counselor.  The reason she is seeking counseling is because she is unsure about what to do - and there really are no right answers in this scenario - the only right answer is the answer that the client decides on and pursues.  Just like the reality of rain, I am oftentimes powerless to change the circumstances of my life (and/or change the people in my life).  What I can do; however, is to choose how to view and approach these circumstances and these people.  I may not be able to change the circumstances and the people in my life, but I can always change myself and my attitudes and actions towards them.

Thank You for letting me choose - Thank You for waiting 26 years for me to choose You.

Weather

I love sleep.  Years ago, one of the leaders of my church youth group once asserted that: "if I didn't worship God, I'd worship my pillow."  That statement fits me pretty well.

I am especially fond of sleeping during rainy, foggy, sleety, or just plain gray weather.  And my body seems to have a sixth sense capable of detecting when the outside weather is particularly bad and instructing my body to continue to sleep.  I know it's a sixth sense because if you've ever been to my bedroom, you know that it's like a sensory isolation chamber.  I have curtains that completely block out all light coming from my windows, I have an air purifier inside my room that runs constantly creating a nice soothing hum, and my walls are pretty sound-proof (they only let in the sounds of my neighbor's remodeling their apartment).  However, even with all that sensory isolation, my body just seems to instinctively know when the weather outside is bad and I should therefore spend more time sleeping in. 

It's a rare gift, I know, and I know that God will reveal to me, in His time, how to use this rare gift for the advancement of His kingdom.  In the meantime, I promise to use my amazing gift for good and not for evil. 

Thank You for Tempur-Pedic beds and pillows. And comfortable sheets and comforters.  And I guess also alarm clocks... I guess...

Working from Rest: Revelation and Identity

I am called to work from rest.  I am called to work from resting in (1) What God has said to me about my own life and (2) Who God has said I am in Him. 

To me, (1) is revelation and (2) is identity, and I need to accept and understand both in faith.  Without (1), I do not know the path that God wants me to take.  Without (2), I will not be anchored securely enough in my identity in Him to undertake the path that God wants me to take (or to receive His gentle correction when I do take the wrong path), much less do anything else.  These are both concepts that I have come to gradually understand with the help of sermons, the bible, encouragement from friends, and the Holy Spirit.

All striving ceases when I perfectly rest in (1) and (2).  There is no more doubt.  I can step out in faith and trust that God will guide and protect me.  He will bless the path He has called me to undertake or else He will (as I am His son) lead me away from the path that He has not called me to undertake.  Either way, His will is done.  It is my sincere prayer that God in me increases to the point that I am able to stop striving and perfectly rest in Him - feel free to remind me/keep me accountable of this.

"There is no fear in love, but perfect love casts out fear.  For fear has to do with punishment, and whoever fears has not been perfected in love." 1 John 4:18 (ESV)   

Paul in Philippians 1:21 says: "For me, to live is Christ, and to die is to gain."  What a bad, bad man.  I am not fully there yet, but I know that with the Father's love, Jesus' blood, and the Holy Spirit's power, I'll get there.

Thank You for your revelations. Thank You for my identity. 

Psalms 46:10 (The Beginning)

The sermon I listened to that got me thinking about being still.

http://www.ibethel.tv/watch/1637/be-quiet-and-sit-down/2013/04/21

Also available for free on podcast under: "Bethel Church Sermon of the Week"

I really do believe that the time I spend being still with God and meditating on His truth is my only viable source of perfect comfort, faith, courage, peace, and joy in my times of anxiety, confusion, helplessness, and sorrow. 

Psalms 46:10 (continued)

Be Still My Soul

Be still, my soul, the Lord is on your side.
Bear patiently the cross of grief or pain;
Leave to your God to order and provide;
In every change, He will remain.

Be still, my soul, your God will undertake
To guide the future, as in ages past.
Your hope, your mind, your will let nothing shake;
All now mysterious shall be bright.

Be still, my soul, the hour is hastening on
When we shall be forever with the Lord,
When disappointment, grief, and fear are gone,
Sorrow forgot, love's joys restored.

Be still, my soul, be still my soul

And praise Him, and praise Him.

I prefer the original reworked version by Page CXVI in their Hymns III album.  But the Re:Hymns version found in the link below is quite good as well.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=eENMWnD73eA

Be still, my soul.  And praise Him. 

Psalms 46:10

He says, “Be still, and know that I am God; I will be exalted among the nations, I will be exalted in the earth.”

He is/will be exalted in my heart.  And I hope in yours as well.

Be still - He is God.  Blessed week, y'all.

Hope.

Check out this article from NYTimes: http://www.nytimes.com/2013/05/03/health/suicide-rate-rises-sharply-in-us.html?hp&_r=0

TL:DR - More Americans die a year by suicide than motor vehicle accidents.  Suicide rates in the last decade have risen by more than 30%.  The highest increase came from men in their 50's i.e. the Baby Boom generation.  Although the reasons for committing suicide are complex, there is a correlation between rising rates of suicide and economic downturns.

Proverbs 13:12 says: "Hope deferred makes the heart sick, but a desire fulfilled is a tree of life."  (ESV) What do you place your hope in?

Too often I place my hope in money - in the security and comfort that money can bring.  But I've learned that money never satisfies me - there isn't enough money in this entire world to satisfy me.  And when I place my hope in money, I pursue money as a zero-sum game - I think that I have to get the dollar, or someone else will. 

I remember how miserable I was the first year and half after I came to Shanghai.  I was trying so hard to save up money to pay off my law school loans, and it always seemed like I was never saving enough.  My hope was so tied up with paying off my law school loans that I fully expected my life to change drastically once I did pay it off.  At that time, I thought: "Once I pay off my law school loans, I can go do whatever I want to do!  I'll be free!" 

But that sense of freedom never materialized.  Even after I paid off my law school loans, I was still anxious and fearful and lost.  After I finished paying off my loans, all of my income was now disposable and I could spend it on whatever I wanted to!  Ironically, I kept saving out of fear - fear of losing my steady income.  I so wanted money to comfort and save me from my own anxiety and fear and sense of hopelessness, but there just wasn't enough money in this world!  I would set little savings goals for myself thinking: "I'll be happy and feel safe if I save up this much money," only for that savings goal to continue to increase and increase and increase.  And at the same time, my anxiety, fear, and hopelessness would rise at the same rate that my savings goal rose.

That mounting anxiety, fear, and sense of hopelessness tortured me daily!  And that was after I had already paid off my law school loans and was sitting on some savings.  Now imagine if I had lost my job prior to paying off my loan!  I can't even begin to imagine how lost and hopeless I would have felt!  Thank God I never had to find out.

Nothing in this world is fit to bear the burden of my hope - absolutely nothing: not my family, not my friends, not my career, not money, not anything.  I am convinced of this truth more and more each day.  Nothing in this world can bear the burden of my hope because when you place your hope on something, you are effectively worshipping it - it has become the center of your existence.  You have idolized it.  And nothing in this world can bear the burden of worship, nothing but God.  God alone is able to bear the burden of worship - He alone is worthy to be worshipped because He is God.

It's a daily struggle for me to not sink back into my old patterns of idolization.  It's easy and tempting for me to idolize money, idolize relationships, idolize myself.  These things do bring me satisfaction - but the satisfaction they bring is always short-lived and never enough.  The alternative is to worship God.  To trust Him and walk with Him. 

"But seek ye first the Kingdom of God, and His righteousness; and all these things shall be added unto you." Matthew 6:33 (KJV).

Thank You for being the source of my hope.  Thank You for your enduring promises. 

Vacation

I went to Moganshan for this year's May holiday.  It was a terrifically relaxing and fun trip, with great views, great friends, great food, but only so-so beer - Moganshan beer is really quite bland. 

God showed up at Moganshan.  It was supposed to rain quite heavily on the two days we were there, but the amazing thing was that it only seemed to rain when our group was resting in the hotel!  When we first arrived at our hotel, it rained while we had a planning meeting/lunch in our hotel room, and the only other time it rained was during the night while we slept.  Even more proof that God listens and prayer works.

I can't wait to see where God shows up next.  Thanks for listening.

The Ties that Bind

Today is the last day of the London trainee who worked with us here in Shanghai for about two months.  Well, technically his last day is Wednesday, but we have Monday through Wednesday off for May holidays, so...

The trainee is one of two Christian co-workers here at my firm.  He is younger than me, but I feel like he is wise beyond his years - at his age, I was a lot more confused and lost than him.  I feel like God has really blessed me with the opportunity to talk to a fellow Christian lawyer about the struggles we both face in our profession and our firm.  In truth, my other Christian co-worker also affords me this opportunity, but he is married with a kid, so his priorities and struggles are slightly different from mine. 

I will likely not see my London trainee friend again anytime soon.  We may have an opportunity to continue working together, but it is highly unlikely that the firm would ask him to relocate to Shanghai - and he's pretty sure Shanghai isn't the place for him.  As for me, I know I will probably never move to London or the Middle East to practice.  Nevertheless I am thankful for the opportunity to have met him and gotten to know him.  And, in faith, I know I'll get to see him again, someday, in the Father's presence. 

I think relationships (of all types and forms) are fragile things that can hurt and scar us, but, on balance, I think they are worth pursuing, if only to get to know one of the Father's beloved creation (and someone for whom Jesus shed His blood) better.  I pray and hope God will continue to bless and protect my friend on his journey through life.

Thank you. 

Thank You.

Timing

Ecclesiastes 3: 1-8 (NIV)

There is a time for everything,
and a season for every activity under the heavens:

² a time to be born and a time to die,
a time to plant and a time to uproot,
³ a time to kill and a time to heal,
a time to tear down and a time to build,
⁴ a time to weep and a time to laugh,
a time to mourn and a time to dance,
⁵ a time to scatter stones and a time to gather them,
a time to embrace and a time to refrain from embracing,
⁶ a time to search and a time to give up,
a time to keep and a time to throw away,
⁷ a time to tear and a time to mend,
a time to be silent and a time to speak,
⁸ a time to love and a time to hate,
a time for war and a time for peace.

 

Thank You lord, for your awesome timing.

 

 He has made everything beautiful in its time. He has also set eternity in the human heart; yet no one can fathom what God has done from beginning to end.  Ecclesiastes 3:11.

Render unto Caesar

I am super paranoid when it comes to taxes.  So I did the most prudent, conservative thing a person could do when it came to filing my Chinese taxes.  I parcelled my filings to the tax bureau the day I got my completed filings from E&Y (my firm's accountants). 

A month later (yesterday), I find out the parcel company never delivered my tax filings... and they only managed to return my undelivered tax filings to me yesterday.  Thankfully, I went to the tax bureau today, hand-delivered my tax filings, and everything got sorted out without a hitch - pretty amazing given China's penchant for bureaucracy.  I also found out that the tax bureau does not accept parcels. 

So really, if I wasn't that paranoid about my taxes, this problem would not have actually occurred, as I would have just used the normal post office to deliver the tax filings and the tax bureau would have received my tax filings on time. 

Give thanks in all circumstances - even when trying to render unto Mao.

Guns

I like guns.  I own a gun (back home in Texas).  I think people should be allowed to protect their loved ones with guns.

I also believe in the sacrificial love of Jesus.  The man who died so that I may have eternal life.

To me, the gun debate boils down to a simple question.  Should society give me the right to choose that my life is worth saving more than the "evil people" trying to kill me (and presumably others)?  If yes, then I (and every other "non-evil" person) should be allowed as much access to guns as possible to protect ourselves and thwart "evil people".  If no, then I (and every other "non-evil" person) should be restricted from access to guns.

Attendant to that simple question, I think about how all sin is sin.  How I am undeserving of grace.  How even if I die, I will spend eternity with God.  How I would do anything to protect my loved ones. 

Too simplistic, perhaps, but it is the way the gun debate boils down for me. 

Thank You that this question will be moot in Your [current] eternity.

Consumerism

I typically don't spend that much money.  But every once in a while... I go a bit overboard.

Brooks Brothers had a sale this weekend.  I found out about it an hour and a half before the sale ended.  There was a bit of a scramble to find out what exactly my dress shirt measurements are, and I kind of got caught up in the excitement of shopping and ended up with a pretty large bill.

Just another example of how God's been spoiling me.  These past few days, God has been reminding me of how amazing of a creator He really is; I've been deriving a lot of pleasure from interacting with and appreciating the things that He's created - be it the weather, food, items, and even people.  But the pleasure I draw from these things are no longer limited to the things themselves.  These good and pleasant things have been serving as a reminder of how creative and wonderful my God is.  On top of that, these good and pleasant things have also been reminding me that they are but a taste, a shadow, a hint of the good and pleasant and perfect things to come at the feast of Isaiah 25:6.  On that day, there will be perfect weather, perfect food, perfect items, and yes, even perfect people, and they will all reflect the glory of the Creator perfectly. 

Christians can (and should) be hedonists if their hedonism is centered on deriving pleasure and satisfaction from God.  In fact, that's largely the premise of John Piper's Christian hedonism - "God is most glorified in us when we are most satisfied in Him."  (props to my friend for reminding me of that quote this past weekend.)  In Christian hedonism, it is our duty to find satisfaction in God so that He may be glorified - a pretty awesome command, IMHO. 

Life is a choice.  Will I live to give glory to whom glory is due or will I choose to give glory to something/someone/someplace else?   I don't ask myself this question enough, but at the same time,  I hope one day, after much practice and discipline, I will never have to ask myself this question again.

Thank You for giving me hints of the perfect things to come.  And thank You for creation (including me and including you). 

Bad News

I received some bad news this morning.  Whenever I hear bad news, my mind starts going into "damage control" mode.  What can I do to make the situation better?  How can I help?

But I can't solve these problems.  They are beyond my control.  So I pray.  I pray that God will use these problems as an opportunity to show His grace, His provision, His power, so that one day these problems will just become part of my testimony.

And I hope that God will grant me enough faith so that one day, when I do hear bad news again, my initial reaction will not be to go into "damage control" mode, but it will be to pray.  God will build that trust with me. 

Thank You for faith, for enduring faith, and for Romans 8: 28.

Communication

Speaking the truth in love is not the same as loving to speak the truth.

Efforts have to be made on both sides for communication to be effective - both sides need to be effective communicators and effective listeners.

Communication is the foundation to any relationship.

Effective boundaries need to be established and maintained for healthy communication and relationships.

Just some of the lessons God has been teaching me about communication - with Him and with other people. 

Thank You for speaking and listening to me.

Guilt

I felt guilty putting socks on this morning.  I felt guilty that I still had legs.

I don't deserve legs. It's a gift. Our bodies, our health, our very existence is a gift of grace.  The fact that we get to choose how to steward our lives, our bodies, our time here on Earth is also a gift. 

Out of His infinite love, God created the world (and me).  He saw the human condition we placed ourselves in and He did not despair.  He had a plan - He sent His son.

"For God so loved the world, that he gave his only Son, that whoever believes in him should not perish but have eternal life."  (John 3:16 ESV).

I didn't fight against the guilt this morning.  I let it touch me, let it wash over me, but I did not let it linger in me.  Even the guilt I felt this morning was, for me, proof that the Holy Spirit resides in me.  So I didn't resist it, but at the same time, I felt no need to dwell on it.  If I continue to focus on the problems of this world, I tend to forget and discount the fact that He has already defeated the grave.

While I still draw breath, I am hoping, by grace, to not focus on what the world, the flesh, or the devil say to me.  I choose to remember the lover of my soul emptying Himself on the cross for me, for you, for God the Father and His resurrection.

Thank You for the peace that surpasses understanding.

Tragedies

I believe the world was not built for tragedies.  It was not built to sustain sadness, hopelessness, or bitterness.  God created Eden.  Sin entered and Eden turned into the current human condition.

I woke up this morning and checked Facebook briefly - and learned about the bombing that took place at the Boston Marathon.  I actually naturally woke up around 7:15 (a lot earlier than I normally wake up).  After reading a bit about the event, I knew I had to go run.

I'm actually not a very good runner.  I am not very fast, I don't have much endurance, and my form is probably all messed up.  But I really enjoy the solidarity of it.  On days when the Shanghai air is too polluted for me to brave, I enjoy running on my treadmill at home.  Running is one of my favorite ways to clear my mind.  And this morning I had to clear my mind.

Thankfully, the air this morning was actually pretty good, so I decided to do a few laps around the compound.  As I ran, I kept thinking about the people who were touched by evil at Boston.  I wanted God to explain Himself.  To explain to His children why? To what end? For what purpose?  While I kept demanding answers from God, another part of my mind couldn't shake the thought that God is always pleased/satisfied with Himself.  In the past, the "constant" in those two train of thoughts would be the former - that God 'had' to have a good reason for allowing these things to happen.  And if He didn't have a good reason, then He couldn't possibly be pleased with Himself.  But as I continued running and thinking, it dawned on me, that at some point in my life, the "constant" in my two train of thoughts actually switched.  Now the constant was that God is always pleased/satisfied with Himself - that He stands beyond time and knows/has seen/has experienced the fulfillment of all of His promises.  I don't know if there is a single good reason for the bombings at the Boston Marathon.  But I know He is my only refuge in my time of need; indeed, for me, He is the only refuge that cannot and will not be shaken.  Only He is able to provide a good enough answer.  And more and more, I suspect His answer to all of the questions I plan on asking Him (including why tragedies are allowed) will either be, "because I am who I am" or I will completely forget to ask the questions in His presence, being completely satisfied in Him.

After my run, I still didn't have any answers.  But for some reason, the pain in my heart seemed lessened.  It is still a tragedy.  But it is not a tragedy that can defeat or depress our God.  My God wept.  My God weeps.  My God mourns.  But my God is also infinitely satisfied in Himself.  He knows the answer.  He knows He is the answer. 

Thank You Lord for being my refuge, our collective refuge, our salvation, and our hope. 

God's unique sense of humor

After the last post, I was just browsing around at some of my old posts... remembering the events that led me to post what I did...

I had my headphones on the entire time, with the music on a very low volume setting.  For some reason, the lyrics to the song seemed really appropriate. And that's when I realized it was the song that inspired me to start this blog.  Thank You for Loving Me - David Crowder*Band

Honesty

I think honesty is important in relationships - in any relationship. 

In retrospect, I have not always been a very honest person.  Not in terms of telling others outright lies; my lies have present themselves in  more subtle, but no less damaging ways.  The subtlety comes in what I choose to show people.  In the peer counseling course I am taking, the material continues to ask people to look for the "hidden message."  Finding the "hidden message" is one of the keys to helping the client realize the healing that God has for them.  There's an entire section devoted to this - to listening to what the client isn't saying and to seeing behind the mask that the client wears. 

I like to be in control - of my own life, of my own choices, etc... But control requires effort, and unfortunately, effort does not always equate to true control.  Most people would even say that the most that effort can yield is the image of control (the mask I wear for others).  And we are a society obsessed with image/masks.  To the point that it's rare nowadays to find people who are genuine and not obsessed with their own image. 

I was walking around today, and the idea that I actively try to hide certain aspects of my life from God suddenly popped into my head.  I was walking back to the office after stopping at my bank to run an errand, and all I could think of was how much I dreaded going back to the office and having to work.  But as soon as I thought those things, guilt crept into my heart and I immediately tried to convince myself that I should not be anxious because God would take care of it.  The latter point is true enough (and I do believe it) but it seemed comical to me that I was actually trying hard to convince God that I was okay.  As if my convincing the Lord that I was "not anxious" would actually lead to me really not being anxious.  The thought floored me - it was pathetic yet incredibly comical at the same time.  It seemed hilarious that I would, (i) that God relied solely on the information I gave Him for Him to ascertain my well being, and (ii) that I could actually convince God that I was fine.

Galatians 5:1 says "It is for freedom that Christ has set us free."  Free to not wear masks anymore.  Free to go to the Father and, in all honesty, say: "I am anxious.  I know I shouldn't be. I know I have no right to be.  But I am very very anxious."  Because if I can't say that to the Father, if I feel like I have to convince my Heavenly Father that I am fine, if I feel like I can't be honest with Him, then our relationship will always suffer.  Honesty is important in relationships, and He has always been honest with me.  He has always spoken the truth, in love, to me.

I'm thankful that His honesty allows me to trust and, in response, be honest with Him.