Days 40 to Day 42 (Friday March 25 to Sunday March 27)

Thank God for vacations. This past weekend was Asia Lawyer's Weekend. Fun in the sun in Sanya, Hainan. What a beautiful place! It was my first time on a beach with blue water (folks from Houston know what I'm talking about) and I took great advantage. The weather was pretty chilly, but that didn't stop me from jumping into the beach! A great three day weekend filled with pools, wine, tequila, and uh... some presentations/discussions thrown in here and there. It's very nice to be reminded from time to time that one's efforts are appreciated, that one works within the structures of a larger organization and that there are overarching goals. Then again, one can also say I've been drinking too much corporate kool-aid. Who knows? I just loved being in Sanya and being out on the beach! The best part? Firm footed the bill!

Days 36 to 39 (Monday March 21 to Thursday March 24)

Thank God for perseverance. All I can remember about those past three days were how terribly angry and sad I was that I had to go back to work after the Single's conference. I think it was about this time that I got really really tired of the wet, cold Shanghai winter. It was also around this time that I realized that I probably just needed one more paycheck to pay off my loans. It's a terrible thing to lose one's motivation. One's reason for "doing". And in those few days, I lost my motivation to continue being a lawyer here in Shanghai. I am away from family and friends, my grasp of the local language and culture are tenous at best and Big Law is not an easy place to work at. But through conversations with friends and my sister, I was convinced to persevere. To continue. To search for a bigger better goal. I'll let you know how the search goes.

Day 34 and 35 (Saturday March 19 and Sunday March 20)

Thank God for love. I'm in the midst of trying to update for the past two weeks. I spent the two days of this entry at the Singles Conference organized by Thrive of SCF. What an awesome weekend. More than anything, it was hearing it said out loud that marriage is about service and not about getting what one "wants" from one's spouse. But what I'll remember the most were the conversations I had late at night with my friend. Talking about the conference, our lives, the city, our plans... It really was an expression of love to be able to share and talk and listen and fellowship together. I still have a bunch of notes from the conference that I need to review. Who knows... maybe next year I won't be able to go to the Singles Conference anymore!

Day 32 and 33 (Thursday March 17 and Friday March 18)

Thank God for reconnecting with friends.

It's been a long time since I've spent any amount of relevant time with the office receptionist. The truth is, when I first moved to Shanghai, Michelle was the person that I hung out with the most - she was pretty much my community, my guide to China, and my closes friend. As I made more friends at church and as my workload at the office got progressively heavier (and more and more business traveling) Michelle and I hung out less and less. There is a sense of guilt within me for not continuing to work on our friendship. And sadly, Michelle is going to be leaving Shanghai soon.

But on Friday, we had the chance to spend some time together before our office manager's birthday party. It was nice to catch up on her life and update her on mine. I thank God for placing Michelle in my life at a time when I really needed a good friend. And I thank God that I will still have some more time with her here in Shanghai before she moves on.

This is such a depressing thought, but as an expat in Shanghai, it seems like all we're doing is saying goodbye.

Day 30 and 31 (Tuesday March 15 and Wednesday March 16)

Thank God.

I haven't been feeling very thankful since coming back from Singapore. It's been very difficult to wake up the past 2 days and feel any sense of excitement for the upcoming day. There's a deep sense of loss within me that I just can't explain. I feel like something is very very wrong with my life, but I just can't quite pin it down. I've felt this way before, but this time around, there's a sense of urgency along with my sense of loss. Something within me is screaming at me to leave Shanghai and go back to the U.S. To forget about the consequences and just go home. I feel like it's getting harder and harder for me to pretend that Shanghai is my home. I've found a community here that I really love, but there's just something about this place that drains away at my sense of well-being.

I'm so tired.

I thank God for friends and family. They got me through it the last time around, and I can only hope that they help me get through it this time around as well. Whatever "it" is.

Days 25 to 29 (Thursday March 10 to Monday March 14)

Thank God... for Singapore.

The city is every bit as vibrant, delicious, hot, clean and exciting as I remember it. What an awesome mini-reunion we had in Singapore. God really blessed our time together in Singapore and I know all of us have come back to Shanghai wishing we could have just stayed there longer.

Pre-Wedding: Notable highlights include my first pedicure, playing with Tim's family's dogs, not being able to sleep because of lingering food poisoning effects.

Wedding: No matter how many weddings I go to, I am amazed at how moved I am each time I see the bride for the first time in her wedding dress. Kay looked beautiful of course, but in her face, I could see the joy of similar sisters, mothers, and friends around the world who have gotten married or who will get married. There is nothing quite like a bride. And as the church, we are all the bride of Christ. Sometimes though, we just can't reproduce the same joy that Kay exuded as she walked down the aisle to be united with her groom. It was a lovely ceremony and Kurk sang to Kay in the middle of the whole thing, making it even more difficult for the rest of groomsmen all over the world to top Kurk.

Post Wedding: There is something quite special about fellowship. I can't quite explain it, but everyone who has experienced fellowship in the presence of the Holy Spirit knows what I'm talking about. It's the prayers, the conversations, the love, the encouragement, the support, the accountability... It's fellowship. And the Holy Spirit was there to meet us throughout it all - be it biking through the trails in Ubin, hanging out to eat dessert at Sally and Franklyn's, going on food crawls... I don't know about others, but I've realized that I NEED fellowship. And I am so blessed that in Singapore, God found a way to completely overflow my cup and surround me with some of the best fellowship I've ever experienced.

Thank God.

Day 24 (Wednesday March 9)

Thank God for empty rows of seats on airplanes. Four of us flew the redeye to Singapore and luckily the flight was empty enough that I could lay down and sleep. Thanks Christine for letting me do so!

Day 23 (Tuesday March 8)

Thank God for quiet movie nights. I left work early today. I was able to pick up a few DVDs and spend some quiet time just relaxing.

It's difficult to put into words how my physical state affects my mental state. It's been a very difficult couple of days, and the physical toll my body has taken has similarly taken a toll on my mental state. I'm a lot more subdued, but at the same time, I'm not really thinking about much either. Just trying to get through this, I guess.

Day 22 (Monday March 7)

Thank God for Cipro, IV fluids and tylenol. I am never eating hot pot in China ever again.

Day 21 (Sunday March 6)

Thank God for memories. I met up with an old family friend from Houston today to have dinner. She's 2 generations older than me and a grandmother. And as I talked to her, I just couldn't shake the feeling that I should have been having the same conversation with my own grandmother. To tell her how I was doing in a foreign country, how my faith has made all the difference in my life, how I miss my family, and her in particular... Things that she would pray for me for - early in the morning like she always used to do.

But what remains are memories of her. And thank God I can still treasure those.

Day 20 (Saturday March 5)

Thank God for relationships. I had to wake up early this Saturday to check my work e-mail. The two banks we were waiting for responses from didn't send anything. Thankfully I told my boss I wasn't going to stick around and wait for the banks to make up their mind, and I went home.

But... today we had two guest speakers for our cell group. The Martins (Joe and Veronica) and they shared with us their views on relationships. Our cell group is for singles, and as our leader Topf rightly pointed out, Christians tend to talk more about relationships than non-Christians. So in anticipation for the singles conference that's coming up in a few weeks, we invited the Martins to share with us their story.

It was quite informative and encouraging. Encouraging because they actually went through a lot of difficulties before they got engaged then married. But one could really feel that throughout their entire relationship (pre and post marriage), they really trusted in the Lord and left it to Him to guide them both.

One can only hope that God has such a relationship in store for me... but all the while, I'll try to focus on His will.

Day 19 (Friday March 4)

Thank God for understanding secretaries. I got dragged into a closing on Thursday. My role was basically to chase 10 different banks and get each of them to finalize a letter. Yeah... like herding cats. Especially with a bunch of different time zones. On top of that, our duty as their counsel prevents us from revealing one bank's letter to another bank, so I had extra stress from making sure that no stray e-mails bounced from one bank to another. Thankfully, my secretary was willing to stay a few more hours to help.

Ok, actually, let me qualify that... I basically had to beg her to stay. She drank some coffee last night with her friend and didn't sleep at all, so she really wanted to go home and crash. I being the mean boss that I am, basically told her to please stay for a little while. At that time we were still waiting around for something like 4 banks to get back to us and I had no idea if their responses would come in a deluge or not. Around 8:30 pm I finally gave up and told her to go home. I was right to do so - 2 more banks came back to us around 11:00 pm. The rest didn't even bother.

I just hope I'm still able to get her to stay late next time I need her.

Day 18 (Thursday March 3)

Thank God for long conversations. There is really quite nothing like having a fun and long conversation with a friend. It's difficult for me to find people to talk to for a long time (what with everyone being busy with work and most of my close friends living in a completely different time zone). But I had a great long conversation with one of my co-workers today, just shooting the shit, talking while we took a break from work.

Now if only I can have these conversations in exclusively Mandarin. That would be quite an achievement!

Day 17 (Wednesday March 2)

Thank God for words that we couldn't say.

Some things are best left unsaid. At least until the moment is right. Even if that moment is never. How some things can be so obvious to some and not to others... I'll never know. No. This isn't about me. But this post was about me once upon a time. Just not today.

And although I want to believe good people deserve happiness, I also trust in the higher purpose of God. Thank God for words that we couldn't say today. And thank God for words that we will say and another will treasure... tomorrow.

Day 16 (Tuesday March 1)

Thank God for second chances.

Today marked the 1 year anniversary of my joining Shearman & Sterling. 1 year ago today, I was in NYC for the first year conference. Full of fear and nerves. A year later, I'm a bit more confident, a lot more pessimistic, and definitely a person with much tougher skin. Today was also the day that my friend thought twice about leaving S&S to go to another firm. S&S made some internal changes which were the things that she was looking for, and she is thinking very hard about whether to stay or go.

We all make mistakes. Thank God for second chances. Thank God for the second chance in Jesus for the world to receive redemption and salvation.