The Journey

The journey continues. And while I'm here in Taiwan enjoying the Golden Week break, I am reminded of the way God led me, through so many amazing people, to where I am today.

And I believe. Thank You for them.

the dark side.

I understand, from a very personal level, how seductive anger can be. I remember when I had to spend 3 weeks doing due diligence in the middle of nowhere, reviewing documents in a language I wasn't entirely comfortable with... anger sustained me. Anger allowed me to focus on something other than the ridiculousness of the entire exercise. Anger kept me going.

"My Jay-Oh-Bee is just like a plantation." - Dead Prez

But ultimately anger is not sustainable. It shouldn't be. If it was, we would all be in so so much trouble...

one.

Sometimes I get the sneaking suspicion that God sent me to China to learn that I can't do life on my own.

cycles

My life progresses in cycles. With each cycle teaching me the same lesson over and over again. With each cycle bringing me ever closer to learning the same lesson. It's a simple lesson really... but like the pastor said... sometimes the longest journey for Christians is the 12 inches from the head to the heart.

Thank God for his infinite patience. Or is it patience if victory and triumph is assured? Either way... Hallelujah to the Lord of heaven and earth.

Nostalgia and Sentimentality

It's difficult living by yourself. It's worse when you decide to go down memory lane and be wistful, sentimental, nostalgic, etc...

I can still remember how things used to be. The images may not be vivid, but the feelings I felt back then come trickling back into my mind. I don't know why, but I've been watching a lot of Miyazaki stuff lately, and it really blows my mind how much I associate my childhood with certain of his movies. How my sister and I would fight over watching either Kiki's Delivery Service or Castle in the Sky.

I can't go back to then, but I thank God for those memories. And for the loved ones who make the memories that much more special. It's been forever since I've prayed for them... maybe that's why I've been feeling so off lately.

Time flies...

And the old lady in the subway station is once again selling those little fragrant white blossoms.

In 3 days I'll be 27. My father had my sister at 27 (ok, he was shy two months of his 27th birthday when he had her).

It's weird, but in my mind, my dad's always known the answer. If not the answer, he at least knew how to get to the answer. But if he was anything like me at 27... there was no way he was prepared to be a father. At 27, my father probably had little to no idea of how to be a father, he was only beginning to learn how to be a husband, and he probably just got his first small inkling of how to be a man. The thought would be somewhat comforting to me, if I could say the same about myself at 27 (I think most sons tend to measure themselves against their fathers).

I always tell people that I'm *insert whatever age* going on 17, and it's true. In my mind, I'm still 17 and it's still high school. I have no responsibilities and I really don't want any. If life is the journey that is supposed to grow boys into men, men into husbands and husbands into fathers, then I think (or rather, I'm sure) I'm still at the very early stages of that journey.

Maybe, one day in the distant future, I'll wake up and realize I'm a man, a husband, and/or a father but have no recollection of how I got to be those things. Or maybe I've already taken my first few steps away from boyhood, but I just haven't realized it yet (*highly unlikely IMHO*).

Or maybe I'm just thinking too much... or maybe not? But maybe... maybe I'll ask my dad. Then maybe I'll ask my Dad in heaven. And maybe I'll remember to thank him and Him for loving me.

Mother's Day!

It's been a long long time since I last updated. It's been hectic with Project Antelope in Beijing, Project Black Diamond and Project Kashi. I just recently came back from 12 days of meetings that really didn't go anywhere.

But thankfully God was there with me the entire time, and I was able to do the work that I had to do. He also blessed me with some pretty amazing weather in Beijing (for a change).

However, this post is dedicated to my mom. Too often, I take her love, support and encouragement for granted. Thanks Mom. For everything. Mere words could never do justice to the sacrifices that you endured for me and for our family. From 10,000+ miles away, I just want to send out my love and thanks for you.

Thank God for parents

My parents came to Shanghai from Taiwan last night. They are seriously fun together.

My dad's a hobo =D.

confessions of a (drunk) sinner.

If only. If only I was taller, if only her hair didn't catch on my glasses every time she leaned in, if only I had the courage to monopolize her attention (and if only I had the freaking arrogance to do so).

*(Sigh*, she was beautiful, more than I could ever expect to pay attention to the likes of me - not that I have a low self-esteem when it comes to myself, but she was... she is... she is beautiful. (they invariably all are) And the combination of alcohol and so much more (hips, skins, whatever) drove me to follow her as she tested my self-confidence and resolve again and again (I'm not THAT stupid).

If only. jajaja, IF ONLY.

In retrospect, losers go home alone and winners go home with the prom queen (copyright "The Rock"). But then again... winners also tend get divorced after a couple of years.

It's too hard to pretend to be something I'm not - I like being alone, I like dwelling in my own thoughts, I like drinking, I like dancing with random strangers, and above all... I LOVE Jesus, but I like to sin, I...

I am not perfect - and I haven't been for the past 26 years. But yet HE still loves ME.

Thank YOU for loving me. And really... I'm so so sorry - until the next time I meet an incredibly cute girl. Until the next time I'm tempted. Until the next time... THANK YOU FOR LOVING ME.

I have to lead Cell Group tomorrow... PRAY.

April 13 to April 19

Was a pretty uneventful few days. Thank God for business trips. They can make the work week seem so much shorter!

Thank God for weekends. Oh man... do I need those weekends.

April 12

Thank God for helpful co-workers. They can make all the difference when your day isn't going exactly has planned. Even if all they do is offer to help... that can make all the difference. Thanks guys. As an aside, remember the question posed in "Office Space" - what would you do if you had a million dollars? Your answer is supposed to help you figure out what it is that you enjoy doing and to then go choose that as your job/career. But the main character's answer is "nothing". And my answer is similarly "nothing". Or maybe I'm not really thinking hard enough (or asking God's guidance enough).

April 11

Thank God for the bible. Specifically, biblegateway.com's 1 year program for reading the bible. It's keeping me accountable. Work is seriously starting to pick up. Funny how when things begin to go wrong (or when they really go snafu or fubar do I really begin to surrender to God). I've tried time and again to change this useless pattern of behavior. Time to actually surrender and quit trying to surrender.

April 10

Thank God for Car Gods, Tax "collectors" and Karaoke queens.

I have such great friends here in Shanghai. They make this place bearable. Also thank God for ice packs. Twisted my left ankle two times in the last two days.

April 4 to April 9

Thank God for tomb sweeping day!

Went to She-shan with some fellow Mana M@X people on Monday and Tuesday. My friend tried to teach me the proper technique for swimming the freestyle - yeah... choking on water, still can't get the stroke down or breathe correctly. What. an. embarrassment. Oh, and we sat in the dry sauna for a good few minutes too! It's such a blessing to have friends that are willing and able to organize events. I am such a lazy person that I can't be bothered to plan vacations. Thank God my friends like to play (and play in groups!).

Thank God for my new GEE-TAR!

It's made in Taiwan too! I'm taking small baby steps to learn the acoustic guitar (steel strings), but so far I like my progress. Switching between chords is hella difficult for me still, but playing the guitar allows me to connect to God musically. And it's an awesome way to relax as well.

Thank God for airport restaurants - due to Chinese visa reasons, I picked up my parents at Pudong Airport and had dinner with them... then promptly left to go to Hong Kong. It was a pretty terrible trip (as most Hong Kong trips are), but it was made a lot more bearable when some of my Hong Kong colleagues took me out to get Cha-siu for lunch! Man... HK people know how to roast pork!

Thank God for forgiving friends. I've been neglecting my friendship with people back home (distance, work, Shanghai friends, w/e). Those are not excuses. I have to get better at this.

One week behind.

Thank God for visitors.

And by that, I mean Stephen, my friend from NYC, who came to visit China. Gave me the excuse to go hang out and meet some of his fellow friends.

Days 40 to Day 42 (Friday March 25 to Sunday March 27)

Thank God for vacations. This past weekend was Asia Lawyer's Weekend. Fun in the sun in Sanya, Hainan. What a beautiful place! It was my first time on a beach with blue water (folks from Houston know what I'm talking about) and I took great advantage. The weather was pretty chilly, but that didn't stop me from jumping into the beach! A great three day weekend filled with pools, wine, tequila, and uh... some presentations/discussions thrown in here and there. It's very nice to be reminded from time to time that one's efforts are appreciated, that one works within the structures of a larger organization and that there are overarching goals. Then again, one can also say I've been drinking too much corporate kool-aid. Who knows? I just loved being in Sanya and being out on the beach! The best part? Firm footed the bill!

Days 36 to 39 (Monday March 21 to Thursday March 24)

Thank God for perseverance. All I can remember about those past three days were how terribly angry and sad I was that I had to go back to work after the Single's conference. I think it was about this time that I got really really tired of the wet, cold Shanghai winter. It was also around this time that I realized that I probably just needed one more paycheck to pay off my loans. It's a terrible thing to lose one's motivation. One's reason for "doing". And in those few days, I lost my motivation to continue being a lawyer here in Shanghai. I am away from family and friends, my grasp of the local language and culture are tenous at best and Big Law is not an easy place to work at. But through conversations with friends and my sister, I was convinced to persevere. To continue. To search for a bigger better goal. I'll let you know how the search goes.

Day 34 and 35 (Saturday March 19 and Sunday March 20)

Thank God for love. I'm in the midst of trying to update for the past two weeks. I spent the two days of this entry at the Singles Conference organized by Thrive of SCF. What an awesome weekend. More than anything, it was hearing it said out loud that marriage is about service and not about getting what one "wants" from one's spouse. But what I'll remember the most were the conversations I had late at night with my friend. Talking about the conference, our lives, the city, our plans... It really was an expression of love to be able to share and talk and listen and fellowship together. I still have a bunch of notes from the conference that I need to review. Who knows... maybe next year I won't be able to go to the Singles Conference anymore!

Day 32 and 33 (Thursday March 17 and Friday March 18)

Thank God for reconnecting with friends.

It's been a long time since I've spent any amount of relevant time with the office receptionist. The truth is, when I first moved to Shanghai, Michelle was the person that I hung out with the most - she was pretty much my community, my guide to China, and my closes friend. As I made more friends at church and as my workload at the office got progressively heavier (and more and more business traveling) Michelle and I hung out less and less. There is a sense of guilt within me for not continuing to work on our friendship. And sadly, Michelle is going to be leaving Shanghai soon.

But on Friday, we had the chance to spend some time together before our office manager's birthday party. It was nice to catch up on her life and update her on mine. I thank God for placing Michelle in my life at a time when I really needed a good friend. And I thank God that I will still have some more time with her here in Shanghai before she moves on.

This is such a depressing thought, but as an expat in Shanghai, it seems like all we're doing is saying goodbye.

Day 30 and 31 (Tuesday March 15 and Wednesday March 16)

Thank God.

I haven't been feeling very thankful since coming back from Singapore. It's been very difficult to wake up the past 2 days and feel any sense of excitement for the upcoming day. There's a deep sense of loss within me that I just can't explain. I feel like something is very very wrong with my life, but I just can't quite pin it down. I've felt this way before, but this time around, there's a sense of urgency along with my sense of loss. Something within me is screaming at me to leave Shanghai and go back to the U.S. To forget about the consequences and just go home. I feel like it's getting harder and harder for me to pretend that Shanghai is my home. I've found a community here that I really love, but there's just something about this place that drains away at my sense of well-being.

I'm so tired.

I thank God for friends and family. They got me through it the last time around, and I can only hope that they help me get through it this time around as well. Whatever "it" is.

Days 25 to 29 (Thursday March 10 to Monday March 14)

Thank God... for Singapore.

The city is every bit as vibrant, delicious, hot, clean and exciting as I remember it. What an awesome mini-reunion we had in Singapore. God really blessed our time together in Singapore and I know all of us have come back to Shanghai wishing we could have just stayed there longer.

Pre-Wedding: Notable highlights include my first pedicure, playing with Tim's family's dogs, not being able to sleep because of lingering food poisoning effects.

Wedding: No matter how many weddings I go to, I am amazed at how moved I am each time I see the bride for the first time in her wedding dress. Kay looked beautiful of course, but in her face, I could see the joy of similar sisters, mothers, and friends around the world who have gotten married or who will get married. There is nothing quite like a bride. And as the church, we are all the bride of Christ. Sometimes though, we just can't reproduce the same joy that Kay exuded as she walked down the aisle to be united with her groom. It was a lovely ceremony and Kurk sang to Kay in the middle of the whole thing, making it even more difficult for the rest of groomsmen all over the world to top Kurk.

Post Wedding: There is something quite special about fellowship. I can't quite explain it, but everyone who has experienced fellowship in the presence of the Holy Spirit knows what I'm talking about. It's the prayers, the conversations, the love, the encouragement, the support, the accountability... It's fellowship. And the Holy Spirit was there to meet us throughout it all - be it biking through the trails in Ubin, hanging out to eat dessert at Sally and Franklyn's, going on food crawls... I don't know about others, but I've realized that I NEED fellowship. And I am so blessed that in Singapore, God found a way to completely overflow my cup and surround me with some of the best fellowship I've ever experienced.

Thank God.

Day 24 (Wednesday March 9)

Thank God for empty rows of seats on airplanes. Four of us flew the redeye to Singapore and luckily the flight was empty enough that I could lay down and sleep. Thanks Christine for letting me do so!

Day 23 (Tuesday March 8)

Thank God for quiet movie nights. I left work early today. I was able to pick up a few DVDs and spend some quiet time just relaxing.

It's difficult to put into words how my physical state affects my mental state. It's been a very difficult couple of days, and the physical toll my body has taken has similarly taken a toll on my mental state. I'm a lot more subdued, but at the same time, I'm not really thinking about much either. Just trying to get through this, I guess.

Day 22 (Monday March 7)

Thank God for Cipro, IV fluids and tylenol. I am never eating hot pot in China ever again.

Day 21 (Sunday March 6)

Thank God for memories. I met up with an old family friend from Houston today to have dinner. She's 2 generations older than me and a grandmother. And as I talked to her, I just couldn't shake the feeling that I should have been having the same conversation with my own grandmother. To tell her how I was doing in a foreign country, how my faith has made all the difference in my life, how I miss my family, and her in particular... Things that she would pray for me for - early in the morning like she always used to do.

But what remains are memories of her. And thank God I can still treasure those.

Day 20 (Saturday March 5)

Thank God for relationships. I had to wake up early this Saturday to check my work e-mail. The two banks we were waiting for responses from didn't send anything. Thankfully I told my boss I wasn't going to stick around and wait for the banks to make up their mind, and I went home.

But... today we had two guest speakers for our cell group. The Martins (Joe and Veronica) and they shared with us their views on relationships. Our cell group is for singles, and as our leader Topf rightly pointed out, Christians tend to talk more about relationships than non-Christians. So in anticipation for the singles conference that's coming up in a few weeks, we invited the Martins to share with us their story.

It was quite informative and encouraging. Encouraging because they actually went through a lot of difficulties before they got engaged then married. But one could really feel that throughout their entire relationship (pre and post marriage), they really trusted in the Lord and left it to Him to guide them both.

One can only hope that God has such a relationship in store for me... but all the while, I'll try to focus on His will.

Day 19 (Friday March 4)

Thank God for understanding secretaries. I got dragged into a closing on Thursday. My role was basically to chase 10 different banks and get each of them to finalize a letter. Yeah... like herding cats. Especially with a bunch of different time zones. On top of that, our duty as their counsel prevents us from revealing one bank's letter to another bank, so I had extra stress from making sure that no stray e-mails bounced from one bank to another. Thankfully, my secretary was willing to stay a few more hours to help.

Ok, actually, let me qualify that... I basically had to beg her to stay. She drank some coffee last night with her friend and didn't sleep at all, so she really wanted to go home and crash. I being the mean boss that I am, basically told her to please stay for a little while. At that time we were still waiting around for something like 4 banks to get back to us and I had no idea if their responses would come in a deluge or not. Around 8:30 pm I finally gave up and told her to go home. I was right to do so - 2 more banks came back to us around 11:00 pm. The rest didn't even bother.

I just hope I'm still able to get her to stay late next time I need her.

Day 18 (Thursday March 3)

Thank God for long conversations. There is really quite nothing like having a fun and long conversation with a friend. It's difficult for me to find people to talk to for a long time (what with everyone being busy with work and most of my close friends living in a completely different time zone). But I had a great long conversation with one of my co-workers today, just shooting the shit, talking while we took a break from work.

Now if only I can have these conversations in exclusively Mandarin. That would be quite an achievement!

Day 17 (Wednesday March 2)

Thank God for words that we couldn't say.

Some things are best left unsaid. At least until the moment is right. Even if that moment is never. How some things can be so obvious to some and not to others... I'll never know. No. This isn't about me. But this post was about me once upon a time. Just not today.

And although I want to believe good people deserve happiness, I also trust in the higher purpose of God. Thank God for words that we couldn't say today. And thank God for words that we will say and another will treasure... tomorrow.

Day 16 (Tuesday March 1)

Thank God for second chances.

Today marked the 1 year anniversary of my joining Shearman & Sterling. 1 year ago today, I was in NYC for the first year conference. Full of fear and nerves. A year later, I'm a bit more confident, a lot more pessimistic, and definitely a person with much tougher skin. Today was also the day that my friend thought twice about leaving S&S to go to another firm. S&S made some internal changes which were the things that she was looking for, and she is thinking very hard about whether to stay or go.

We all make mistakes. Thank God for second chances. Thank God for the second chance in Jesus for the world to receive redemption and salvation.

Day 15 (Monday February 28)

Thank God for goodbyes. One of my co-workers is leaving to join another firm in Beijing. Some (if not most) people aren't fond of goodbyes, but I've never really been affected by them, one way or another. I tend to think of all goodbyes as "see you laters" and with our current technology (IM, skype, facebook, w/e) it's easier than ever to keep up with people that you want to keep up with. But one great thing about goodbyes is that it affords people the opportunity to celebrate the good times they shared together.

A few people in the office grabbed dinner together yesterday and just hung out. I think more than anything, I'll miss the fact that I won't be able to hang out with her as easily as before... or sneak into her office to bitch and moan about my job.

Day 14 (Sunday Februray 27)

Thank God for the warmer weather. Spent most of the day reading, but I had a party to attend in the afternoon. It was so nice to be able to walk outside in only a sweater and a light jacket. I really don't like the bulk of heavy jackets, but Shanghai winters demand them. Although the air quality has been going down ever since the Expo ended, it was still nice to walk around outside.

It's funny... Shanghai is a great city to walk in, but has terrible air. Orange has much much cleaner air, but you can't get anywhere by walking. NYC has the best of both worlds!

Day 13 (Saturday 2/26)

Thank God for relatively healthy knees. I had a very very long run on the treadmill. It was pretty awesome. I have gained quite a bit of weight since coming back from the US for CNY break and from eating and driking with Chinese executives in Changsha.

Need to lose weight, and the best and most proven method (personally for me, anyways) has always been running. Now to see if I can actually run any faster...

Day 12

Thank God for work days without bosses. The partner was in Beijing this whole week closing a deal. I would have been in Beijing along with the rest of the team had I not been assigned to go to meetings in Changsha. The office always feels different when the partner isn't there. I mean, it's not like I do anything different, and he is definitely one of the most chill and reasonable bosses that I've worked with before, but still...

I'm approaching my 1 year mark in the Shanghai office and I still feel a difference when the boss is not in the office. Wonder when that will change, if ever?

Day 11

Thank God for legal assistants. While flying back to Shanghai from Changsha, I had two different people asking me for urgent help. As soon as I landed I knew I had to go back into the office to do work. Thankfully the legal assistant Jay was still around so I basically forced him to help me out. I'm also super blessed that Jay is a pretty reasonable guy and is always willing to help out. I do owe his wife an apology for making her husband stay until 4 in the morning though...

Day 10

Thank God for math as a universal language. I was acting as a translator for our meetings here in Changsha. In the middle of the meetings, the Chinese side had some questions for us that were completely over my head, fortunately, the American engineer understood why they asked the question and proceeded to explain with math. Communication is so much easier when both sides understand each other.

Day 8 & 9

Thank God for on-time flights. I flew to Changsha for some meetings on Sunday. My flight got in on time. My client's? Not. So. Much. They were scheduled to arrive at 8 pm. They didn't get in until 5 am. You gotta appreciate when things work out they way they are supposed to.

Thank God for engineer work hours. Or maybe it's just State-owned Enterprise work hours. The SOE we were working with basically told us that they could stay late... but only until 6:30 pm. Are you kidding me?!?!?!? JOOOOOY.

Day 7

Thank God for small groups! I hosted the small group in my tiny apartment for the first time today. It was a bit cramped, but I was really happy to see so many people visit and worship God in my home. We even had a video chat with Cindy from Singapore! I can't wait to try it again next week. Hopefully we have even more people!

Ooooh... and I get to keep the leftover snacks! So much for trying to lose weight.

Day 6

Thank God for dancing on tables! Had a great time hanging out with friends and celebrating a birthday and an office departure. Was a pretty crazy night at Prive. We ended up being the last people at the club and on a whim, I asked if I could jump up on the stage that the dancers go on and the security people said ok. Proceeded to act a fool and let loose to some bad hip-hop/pop songs. Oh wells, it's always necessary to let loose and have a little fun... like dancing on a table.

Day 4 & 5

Thank God for non-smoking hotel rooms. I had to travel to Hong Kong to get my Chinese visa renewed. What a crazy process that is! Anyways, the place they booked me in was pretty nice, but when I got into the room, I could smell cigarette smoke and I knew then and there that I wouldn't be able to sleep in that room without getting a bad headache. Thankfully the hotel had another room available. The new room didn't smell like smoke, but the hallway leading to my room smelled terribly of mold. Either way, thank God I didn't have to sleep in a smoky room.

Thank God for dinner with old friends! Met up Shelly (actually a blood relative - second cousin, I think) and got some Belgian food in Central. We had a good time just eating and chatting. Seriously, I have no idea how those Lu sisters do it. They eat and eat and eat and are rail-thin. It's ridiculous! Need to catch up with old friends more often! Each friend is such a blessing from God, and I truly believe that distance and absence truly does make the heart grow fonder. Those little things that perhaps you didn't like about your old friend just seem that much less obvious when you finally catch up.

Day 3

Thank God for space heaters. It is ridiculously cold in the evenings here in Shanghai, and my A/C unit just wasn't cutting it by itself. Although I pretty much hate cold weather, there is nothing quite like sleeping in a warm room during a cold winter day. With my trusty space heater, I am ready to tackle the next step of human evolution... hibernation!

Day 2

Thank God for readily-available cabs.

Work ended at 3:40 AM tonight. Left the office with my co-worker and there was a cab waiting right outside the building.

Day 1

I want to thank God for my friends who are single. As most of you know, tomorrow is Valentine's Day. Now I've never really been one to dwell or be upset by the fact that I don't have a significant other to share Valentine's Day with. To be honest, most of the Valentine's Days in my life have been spent without a significant other.

But in all those "Single Awareness Days" (as my friend would call them), I never really felt alone. And today I realized why exactly that was. After church, a bunch of us went to grab dinner and we started making plans to "combat" the fact that we would all be dateless come Valentine's Day tomorrow. We ended up deciding on dinner together and maybe follow that up with a movie.

It may be the simplest of plans, but it makes ALL the difference. Now I'm not saying that I wouldn't be happy (happier?) if I had someone to share Valentine's Day with, but it seems to me that a fun dinner with some good friends and a movie to follow is not a terrible alternative. Thank God for blessing me with great single friends who have helped me pass all those "Single Awareness Days" in the past and who will help me celebrate another one tomorrow.