Shanghai (Last Post)

I started this blog in Shanghai to remind myself to be thankful to God.

Yesterday was my last day in Shanghai. At least for the near foreseeable future.

And I am so thankful to God for everything He has done for me in Shanghai.  There were days, weeks, months, even years in Shanghai  were it felt like I was in the desert.  But God always led me and walked with me.

Loneliness is a very powerful depressant and, during my stay in Shanghai, its depressing effects were magnified in me for every one of the 25 million people in Shanghai that I felt disconnected from. But loneliness also created longing in me, a longing for me for a real, perfect, everlasting home, a longing that has informed my conviction and faith that the Kingdom of God exists and it will come to pass.

So the journey continues, 4 years and 9 months after first moving to Shanghai to start work.  And now the journey is much less lonely - because He has blessed me with His constant presence, an amazing community of believers, incredible family, and even a fiancee.  What can I do but give thanks and praise in response?

Thank You for (continuously) loving me.

Gratitude

It's been a long time since I last posted.  It's been difficult to constantly keep an attitude of gratitude these past few months.  Not that there is a scarcity of events, people, or things that I am grateful for - just that my brokenness has fought back against the spirit of gratitude.  And I admit that I have slowly, steadily, and quietly given up fighting against my brokenness.  

But I feel like God is bringing me back from the brink.  His Spirit is reminding me of the priorities of my life again.  It's time to pick up the pace, to continue running the race.

Holy Spirit, please pray for me.  Renew a right spirit within me, Lord.

Praise

The King of all the Earth has saved us from ourselves... We give You praise.

We Give You Praise - Delirious?

Comfort

If in Christ we have hope in this life only, we are of all people most to be pitied. (1 Corinthians 15:19 ESV)

I don't know why this verse comforts me so much.  A friend once told me that if Christ isn't who He says He is, then Christianity is the most cruel joke of all time.  But it wouldn't just be the most cruel joke of all time - it would be the biggest crime against humanity of all time. 

The Apostle Paul acknowledges that.  He embraces that thought and takes it to the  thought's logical conclusion.  And instead of scaring me, it reassures me all the more.  Because people 2000 years ago, smart people who did indeed think about the possibility of it all being a hoax, openly discussed such a possibility and even warned other believers of the consequences of it all being false.

But even after acknowledging the destructive consequences of their faith being built on a hoax, these people continued to believe - belief even unto death.  It's all well and good to dismiss these 1st century believers as lunatics, but the clarity of Paul's logic, coupled with his willingness to be frank about his faith, really do make it hard for me to dismiss their words.

And their words do echo through the generations.  When I am dry and searching for encouragement, I am reminded that Paul and the other 1st century believers had it way worse than me.  Yet Paul still had the courage to say: "For to me to live is Christ, and to die is gain." (Philippians 1:21 ESV)

Thank You for faith.  

World Cup!

My team lost.  In a closely contested final.  I'm not going to lie, I wanted more. 

I'm trying hard not to lose perspective - after all, in the end, it's only a game.  It's probably a bad sign that I actually have to remind myself of that.

Sigh, we were so darn close!!! But this team did make me incredibly proud.  They played an excellent tournament.  

Congratulations to Germany.  And to the other 31 teams as well - hope to see you again in four years.

Thank You for the beautiful game.

Belonging

I'm convinced that in each one of us is an incredible longing to belong.  To know who we are and what we were made for. Today, through the magic of Skype, I was able to join my Shanghai cell group for worship.  And I was instantly reminded of who I am and what I was made for. 

Turn yours eyes upon Jesus and the things of this world will grow strangely dim.  

God bless the church.  

Luck

I'm not sure how the World Cup can or does advance the Kingdom of God.  Nonetheless, it's one of my favorite events and each time it comes around, I'm reminded just how much "luck" plays a part in victory.  

True, for the most part, the superior team advances, but in a sport where one goal can (and often does) make all the difference, being lucky doesn't hurt.  

I hope that Argentina's fragile defense and even more fragile luck continues to hold out.  Next up is another European team - a formidable Belgium team who eliminated my adopted country (fútbol-wise) of America.  At the very least, I am very grateful to the USMNT - the Von Trapps - for pushing Belgium into extra time.  It would have been a tremendous disadvantage to Argentina if it's next opponent was fresher and played less minutes.

I know God probably doesn't ultimately care about the results of the matches, but I know He cares about hearts.  And my heart is thankful that Argentina gets to play another match.

Blessings

Counting my blessings does not come naturally to me.  I'm too pessimistic and prone to anxiety to focus on what I have been blessed with rather than what I don't have.  But God has softened my heart and showed me the wisdom and joy of living in His grace.  

So I will continue to try and give thanks.  Even during my desert times - to remember that He has a mighty hand and an outstretched arm - more than enough to see me through the dry times.

Thank You for everything.

Meritocracy

I think successful people want to believe in meritocracy.  But only to the extent that it explains their success and achievements and offers them hope in attaining further success and achievement.  

I no longer think a true meritocracy exists (nor do I think I want it to exist).  I still think effort and talent may lead to achievements and success, but they definitely aren't predictors or guarantors of them.  On top of that, in a true meritocracy, we would get what we truly deserved (in a moral sense).  And I think, deep down inside me, I have always believed/understood that everyone deserves chastisement and punishment for falling short of perfection.  Because, in a way, if we are willing to forgive ourselves for not being perfect, then I think there really is no basis for any moral judgment of other people.  Everyone becomes their own judge of what is forgivable/permissible and each person's judgement becomes as valid as the next person's.  That's tantamount to saying that there are no agreed to standards.

Anyways... All this to say that I'm really grateful there is grace.  And true forgiveness for not being perfect - forgiveness from the only perfect person. 

La Albiceleste

Nothing plays with my emotions more than watching Argentina play in the World Cup.  True to my Argentinean fútbol upbringing, I am a fickle fan - screaming in ecstasy when Argentina are winning and cringing in silence and despair when they are losing - when I should be cheering even louder for the comeback... keeping the hope alive!

But fútbol is like that - one goal can rob you of hope, silence your cheers, and destroy your dreams.  The other sport I love isn't as cruel - basketball is usually decided in the last few minutes, and if you have the right player, there is always hope!

And that's what has been so amazing about this Argentina team at this World Cup - we finally have the right player!  During the Bosnia game, as Argentina clung on to an uninspiring and precarious 1-0 lead, Messi gave us, the Argentina fans, a goal of sublime beauty - enough to allow us to dream again.  And then Messi did it again in the Iran game - except he did it when the stakes were even higher!  Before Messi's injury time goal, Iran had two amazing chances to take the lead, but our defense and the goalie, Romero, held.  And then Messi unleashed that beautiful curling shot that bent just outside of the Iranian goalie's fingertips - and all of Argentina exploded in celebration - we could finally afford to hope again!  Here, finally, in Messi, we had a player who could and did decide games single-handedly - a feat almost unimaginable in fútbol!

In 1998, Batistuta could not be that kind of player.  In 2002, Veron could not be that kind of player.  In 2006, neither Crespo nor Riquelme could be that kind of player.  In 2010, Messi could not be that kind of player (shackled, as he was, by another Argentine legend).  

But 2014 is different!  So I am starting to dare to hope again.  Argentina has lost in the quarterfinald of the last two World Cups.  Here's hoping that this year's team will advance further.  And if they fall behind in any of the knockout games, I will continue to hope this year, I will continue to cheer, all the way until the final whistle.

Either way, it's gonna be a great game tonight! 

Thank God for fútbol and La Albiceleste

Grace upon Grace

For from his fullness we have all received, grace upon grace. (John 1:16 ESV)

I didn't show grace when I had the chance to do it today.  I was petty and vindictive when I could have been gracious and forgiving.  But God was still gracious to me - even as I accused and judged my neighbor.

I can't explain why He loves.  I just can't deny it when He does.  And He always does - with never ceasing, unconditional, perfect love.  

The light shines in the darkness, and the darkness has not overcome it. (John 1:5 ESV).  Not even the darkness of my own sin has overcome the light.  

Thank You for being so scandalously gracious.  

Blessings

Counting my blessings does not come naturally to me.  I'm too pessimistic and prone to anxiety to focus on what I have been blessed with rather than what I don't have.  But God has softened my heart and showed me the wisdom and joy of living in His grace.  

So I will continue to try and give thanks.  Even during my desert times - to remember that He has a mighty hand and an outstretched arm - more than enough to see me through the dry times.

Thank You for everything.

Isaiah 40:30-31

I ran for the first time since turning 30, which happened 2 days ago.  All I can say is...

Even youths shall faint and be weary, and young men shall fall exhausted; but they who wait for the Lord shall renew their strength; they shall mount up with wings like eagles; they shall run and not be weary; they shall walk and not faint.  Isaiah 40:30-31

I ran out of gas so fast - didn't help that it was 39 degrees Celsius.  But was still able to run for about 20 minutes.

Thank You for the wings. 

Blessed

30 years. 

Taiwan.  Argentina.  Texas. New York.  Shanghai.  Abu Dhabi.

From willful ignorance to rebellion to submission to surrender and finally freedom.  

While I was back in Shanghai to celebrate my birthday with my cell group, my fiancée asked my friend how I had changed in the 3 years that he has known me.  Without missing a beat, he said my temper - and clarified that I was a lot less arrogant than before and was calmer and more humble.  In faith, I accept that his characterization of my sanctification is accurate and give all glory and thanks to God.  Some things are impossible with man, but with God, nothing is impossible.  

So I ask God for more of the impossible. To continue to sanctify me and to remind me daily of the incredible scandal that is His free grace.  It is indeed good (and scandalous) news - that while I was still a sinner, Christ, Immanuel, God with us, died for me (and you) - Romans 5:8.

What a journey.  Here's to 30 more. And then another 30 more. And then a few more billion 30 mores - until eternity.  

Thank You for loving me (us).

Desire to Please

When I was working in the law firm, my job was to please.  Please the clients, please the partners, please the counsels, the senior associates, etc... 

Now that I'm seconded to a company, my job description has drastically changed.  It is not to please.  It is to protect the interests of my company and offer the best legal advice I can.  Granted, that's what I was doing in the law firm anyways, but I always did feel like all of the actual work I was doing was really just another way to please the clients, partners, etc... Working in-house, I struggle with leaving that mandate/desire to please behind me.

I'm working on this.  It's probably going to take some time.  

And a lot of grace.   

For and With

Sometimes I'm convinced that God wants me to do something great for Him.  A task so amazing that my accomplishing it will undoubtedly bring great glory to Him.

I have no idea what that task is.

In fact, the more I think about it, it seems presumptuous of me to believe that my actions are going to be the root cause of His glory increasing.  As if His glory needs any increasing at all...

So then I think, maybe I can do something great with God.  Some monumental task that requires His immense power to accomplish and will, because of the display of His enormous power, bring Him the glory He is due. 

And then I think, well, what task exists in this world which requires both His limitless power and my meager contribution?  After all, if I am to partner with God, then I think my part, however small, must still be absolutely necessary for the task's accomplishment, or else, it's not really a partnership.  

Then again, how can I even claim any credit for any of my possible contributions when He is my ultimate creator?  

And then I think... What if the greatest, most difficult task God wants to work on with me... is me?  I mean, I can't make myself exhibit more of the fruit of the spirit - I can't will my heart to be more kind, gentle, faithful, joyful, etc...  On the other hand, can I really reject perfect love?  

For now, I will err on the side of "irresistible grace."

Anyways... Dubai with my uncles from Tainan was a blast.  Just a lot of silly banter among three adults who still have a tremendous capacity to just be boys.  

Another gift undeserved - just like my ability to think.  Thank You.

Control

On Monday, 3 days ago, my fiancée was in a taxi on her way to Pudong airport when the taxi driver collided with a parked car on the highway.

When she told me, anger, confusion, and relief all washed over me at the same time.  I had just been with her less than 24 hours ago - I took a spur-of-the-moment trip to surprise her - how quickly things can change in less than a day.

I remember back in February when my parents came to pick me up at the Houston airport, my parents told me how they narrowly avoided getting into an accident.  The weather for the past few days had been unusually cold in Texas, and on a highway bridge, my mom drove over some ice and the car started sliding.  Thankfully, they were driving the smaller car and not the Toyota SUV. 

I remember my own brush with death on the highway - I was behind a car that swerved suddenly in front of an 18 wheeler on the next lane to the right.  I had never before come so close to being involved in a major accident.

Life is unpredictable.  For me, to continue to live in joy each day is an exercise in surrender.  Not in surrendering to my fears, but in surrendering to my hope of eternity.  Because, if I had lost my fiancée, my parents, or even my own life, there would have been nothing that could have "restored" me.  But if there were a way, what would the restoration restore me to?  Further future deadly accidents? Sickness?  Grief?  No, I'm convinced that my soul yearns for and demands perfection.  No more death.  No more sickness.  No more tears.  That's why I need to surrender to my hope in something more - the Kingdom to come.

After the initial emotions I encountered on Monday, I felt an incredible sense of gratitude.  Thankful that she was safe; thankful that I had her in my life; thankful that I had a life.  

And thankful that, even should the worst tragedy happen - it is not the end of the story.  That there will be a day with no more tears and no more pain - because the Lord has spoken. (Isaiah 25:8)

Thank You for that day.  Come, Lord Jesus, come.

I am a sinner...

I am a sinner, if it's not one thing, it's another;
caught up in words, tangled in lies.
You are a savior, and you take brokenness aside,
and make it beautiful... beautiful.

"Brokenness Aside" by All Sons & Daughters.

He loves.  He lives.  He reigns.  Forever.

Oceans

My Swedish friend reminded me that I have a blog (and that I haven't uploaded in a long long time). 

Since my last post, I've started a 6 month secondment in Abu Dhabi for one of my firm's clients.  The past two months in Abu Dhabi have been... interesting.  Trying to plan a wedding through Skype has been... interesting.  Going through pre-marriage material over long distance has been... interesting.  Juggling the changes in attitude, in mindset, and in relationships because of distance has been... interesting. 

Technically, my fiancee and I are on the same contiguous land mass (she is in China and I'm in the Middle East), but it does feel like there is an ocean separating the two of us.  And the physical distance has, in some instances, translated to emotional and spiritual distance.  All this to say that, long distance sucks. 

But long distance can also be incredibly focusing - in the brief moments that my fiancee and I do have together (because of time differences and different work weeks), we can be incredibly aligned, efficient, and effective in our cooperation.  The issues occur when our communication breaks down.  If I'm having a bad day, or if I have something stuck in my mind, I don't pay as much attention to the non-verbal communication of my fiancee when I'm Skyping with her, and that can lead to some very avoidable conflicts.  And when those conflicts flare up, it's harder to explain things and resolve conflicts through Skype as compared to in-person.  

So it has been a growing process.  For both of us.  

And we've made up our mind that we will definitely be living together after we get married.

Here's Oceans by The Digital Age - https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Pi9If3vt83c

Thank You for teaching us. Thank You for forgiving us and helping us to forgive each other.  

The beginning of spring

I ran outside for the first time in a while today.  The weather and air were just too good to pass up.  It helped that I had a bit of stuff to sort out in my mind. 

I guess I still do.  But I'm confident that He will illuminate at the appropriate time.  

Choice

We can't choose how we feel.  But we can always choose how we act.

The Blues

It always feels petty and self-centered to complain.

I need vision.  God, please give me vision. 

Last Sunday, Becky said that there has to be something more than this - and that it's Jesus.  Lord, give me the assurance of things hoped for, the conviction of things not seen.

Back in China

"Oh my God! What happened in the bathroom? Oh my God!"

Those were the flight attendant's words as she checked the bathroom just a few minutes prior to landing back in Shanghai.  My girlfriend and I could only look at each other and laugh. 

One more month and it will mark 4 years spent here in China.  A very interesting journey indeed.  I look forward to seeing what God has planned for me. 

No one ever said China was boring.

Thank You for an amazing trip back.  Thank You for a safe trip back.

Greed

The one thing I really can't complain about when it comes to my job is my compensation.  Except that I can...

Because I'm incredibly greedy.  Because no amount of money in this world will satisfy my insatiable greed.

I think I can safely say that money has never been too much of a measuring stick of success for me.  Instead, I know it's my own insecurity that drives me to desire that extra dollar - the idea that having more money means that I will be protected against life's unexpected surprises.  That somehow, if I have enough money, the money will wrap around me like a protective bubble and shield me from hunger, sickness, maybe even death...

All that to say that I got my bonus yesterday and it was less than the standard bonus.  And I was tempted to complain about my job's compensation; to be greedy; to be indignant and upset.

But you know what I wasn't in that moment?  I wasn't hungry, I wasn't sick.  I was alive and free, and loved - generously loved by my friends and family and lavishly loved by my Creator. 

I guess it's time to tithe! Thank You.  For the bonus.  But also for reminding me of Your more important gifts.

Rededication

Last weekend, my girlfriend and I traveled to Singapore for a short trip.  It was so good to see old friends and meet new friends.  I don't know what it is about Singapore, but every time I go there, I really enjoy it.  Good food, a lot of sun (even during rainy seasons), and green everywhere. 

In Singapore, I had the privilege to attend The City church and hear Pastor Daniel preach.  His sermon was on the Bible's exhortation to put seven things "first."

1. Putting relationships first
2. Seeking the Kingdom of God first
3. Recognizing that I need help first before correct or judging someone else
4. First bind the enemy - to live victoriously in all areas of my life
5. To follow the first and greatest commandment - to ensure that my passion for Jesus is growing
6. To first change the heart before getting to modifying my behavior
7. To be clear about my mission - to first preach the gospel

A timely reminder to rededicate myself to the pursuit of the excellence of God.

Happy New Year!